Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Stirring the Pot

I had counseling/therapy last night, and we talked about how I'm feeling. And she said "well, right now you're stirring that old internal pot with putting yourself out there to date, being more visible. Issues are bound to come up." It scares me...I know I need to work through stuff. I've never maintained any kind of significant weight loss, and so this all scares me. Physically I feel ok, it's just mentally I feel like hiding

I am 39 years old...will be 40 in May. I have been in therapy (hold onto your hat) since I was 12. I started therapy then because I was anorexic. Food has been a huge coping mechanism for me with regards to intimacy and sexuality. I've lost weight many, many times...only to regain it. Consciously, I'm ok with the attention from fact, I enjoy it. But it does something else to me inside. I think that I really struggle with feeling worthy of love and loveable just for who I am. And so, it's been much easier to have all this weight on me and say "well see, that's the reason." If I lose all the weight and yet am still alone, it's harder to look at myself and say "yeah, you're loveable and worthy" because here I am, thin, fit, healthy and yet still alone. I have no more's just me that is not suited for a relationship. Does that make ANY sense at all? It's that ultimate fear that even if externally everything on me is perfect, the person I am inside is still crap and not deserving or worthy of someone loving me. And yes, I know how that sounds...and I'm really working on not feeling that way. It's definitely a struggle and battle.

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