Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Down to 175 lbs.

I'm down to 175 lbs., from a starting weight of 254 lbs. It's hard for even me to believe sometimes.

I think what finally brought me to the decision of having WLS was that I had successfully, and healthfully, lost about 75 lbs. about 10 years ago. I kept it off for about a year...I changed my included eating healthy foods primarily, and the occasional treat...and it included regular, intense exercise and weight training. Then I injured my knee running and moved to a place that gave me grief about doing my NordicTrack in the early morning (they said it made too much noise). There were a lot of other things going on as well, but in essence, all the lifestyle changes I made and was so proud of, went to the wayside. My romantic relationship was on very thin ice. I lost hope that I could ever successfully lose that weight and change my life again. I knew how to eat...I enjoyed eating properly...I can do well for such a long time and then it's like something would snap in my brain and I would no longer be in control of myself with eating and exercise.

I discussed this at length with Dr. B at my initial consult because I needed to know that if I had RNY, it would actually make a difference. How would it be different from things I’d done before? If I had made all these changes before and hadn't been able to stick to them long-term then, what about this surgery would make this time different? And we talked at length about how it is a tool, to help you listen to your body's own signals about satiety and fullness, and that it won't do the work but will help when the work gets tough...if I listen to it and use it as intended. So, that's been my plan since I made this commitment to myself and the surgery. I had the surgery because I felt like I was eating myself to death. I am a single mom to a 6.5 year old little boy...and I couldn't leave him on his own so it became worth the risks of surgery to have a better and longer life for myself and for him. And I know I will succeed...because I've given myself no other choice.

All of my pre-op issues are still there...the ones that make me feel insecure, weepy, worthless. And they are more in my face now because I'm not self-medicating with food...or alcohol...or anything else. Just me and my emotions and, thankfully, a good counselor and wonderful friends. I think some days are just crap, you know? And then another one begins...and it doesn't have to be crap. I’ve made some really awesome friends through NSMC’s weight loss surgery program…people who have become my day to day support, sounding board, people who understand what I need to be doing to be successful with my surgery and life. And then there is the online community of friends I have formed on I’ve connected with so many other people who are living this life and these struggles and successes just like I am.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Struggles with Self-doubt

I'm really struggling with self-doubt...I want to feel good, be happy, and this week is just challenging me so much. I know I have made great strides with my weight loss and body...I know that I'm in a much better place than I have been before in terms of self-esteem. I had memories flooding my head of so many of the issues with my mom that affect my self-esteem even now. She's been gone for almost 1.5 years now...and I know that all the years before took their toll on me...I just am feeling very alone, lonely, unlovable and honestly, wondering whether I will ever find someone that just loves me...truly loves me.

I bought a corset today...never purchased anything quite like that in my life. And as I tried it on behind the closed door of my bedroom, my 6.5 year old barged in (nothing new there), and I tried to cover up. He was with me when I bought it and said "Are you trying on your stuff? Can I see it?" It was just a corset, and I knew the situation would go away so much quicker if I just let him see me. He looked and he said "awwww mom, you look BEAUTIFUL!" You know, I sat there and thought in my head "yeah, sure I do."

Heaven help me because I did not struggle in the first 3 months post-op with much of anything...didn't grieve the loss of food...didn't have a hard time eating...these are just all of my same old issues that have never gone away, that I work on day in and day out in my life and in therapy. I just need some reassurance that someday these feelings and thoughts will really become part of my past, and not my present and future.