Friday, September 21, 2007

10 Weeks Post-op...Wow Moments and New Stirrings

I’m a little over 10 weeks out now. I’ve lost about 32 lbs. since surgery. Since my consult with Dr. B, I’m down about 65 lbs. I feel SO much better than I did. Before surgery, I was wearing size 24 pants (and they were TIGHT) and 2X tops.

There are many things that are becoming more active in my life…like the desire to be in a relationship with someone. I've been both heavy and thin as an adult. There are huge differences in my self-confidence and outgoingness. I have found that when I'm heavier, I really close myself off to people of the opposite sex...I won't even flirt because there's a part of me that's thinking the other person will think "eeew, why on EARTH would she even think I'd be interested to even flirt with her?" I know that's my own issue, not really the other person's (at least I hope not). But it's part of what the weight does in my head...and it makes me a very different, less outgoing person in many ways when I’m heavier. Losing weight means regaining some of that self-confidence and putting myself out there a little more. And with that comes greater risk of being hurt. All things that I will need to deal with.

I’ve had lots of “wow” moments these past two months or so. Coworkers have been so positive and supportive of me these past few months, remarking on how good I Look. My clothes have gone from being so tight they were uncomfortable, to fitting comfortably again, and then becoming baggy and loose. I am now able to take care of personal hygiene properly and thoroughly without becoming a contortionist. My bra is finally becoming so big that the band is loose and the fabric of the cup is so wrinkled that it can't be hidden under clothing so I’ve had to buy some new ones. My son recently started back to school this week and the other moms and his teacher were telling me how incredible I look. We ran into my son's best friend's older sister (who is all of 13) last night at a local pizza place...and she apparently went home and told her mom “MOM! I saw Zachary's mom and she looks INCREDIBLE!” All really feel-good moments. I think I've been living inside myself for a little too long...and I'm done with that...thin, fat, whatever.

October 14, 2007
I'm really struggling with self-doubt...I want to feel good, be happy, and this week is just challenging me so much. I know I have made great strides with my weight loss and body...I know that I'm in a much better place than I have been before in terms of self-esteem. I had memories flooding my head of so many of the issues with my mom that affect my self-esteem even now. She's been gone for almost 1.5 years now...and I know that all the years before took their toll on me...I just am feeling very alone, lonely, unlovable and honestly, wondering whether I will ever find someone that just loves me...truly loves me.

I bought a corset today...never purchased anything quite like that in my life. And as I tried it on behind the closed door of my bedroom, my 6.5 year old barged in (nothing new there), and I tried to cover up. He was with me when I bought it and said "Are you trying on your stuff? Can I see it?" It was just a corset, and I knew the situation would go away so much quicker if I just let him see me. He looked and he said "awwww mom, you look BEAUTIFUL!" You know, I sat there and thought in my head "yeah, sure I do."

Heaven help me because I did not struggle in the first 3 months post-op with much of anything...didn't grieve the loss of food...didn't have a hard time eating...these are just all of my same old issues that have never gone away, that I work on day in and day out in my life and in therapy. I just need some reassurance that someday these feelings and thoughts will really become part of my past, and not my present and future.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Comments on Size - A Painful Memory

Children commenting on size...I think I've blocked a lot of these incidents from my mind. Like the time when my son's father and I were buying a home together and his daughter, who was 4 at the time, was with us and the realtor as we were reviewing the inspection papers. I was maybe 30 to 40 lbs. overweight at the time. I don't remember why she said it, but the 4 year old said something very fresh to me about being so fat...and her dad's reaction to it (he went way overboard on reprimanding her) almost mortified me more because I would rather have ignored it. It didn't help that he didn't even want to have a physical relationship with me at that point because he was turned off by the weight I had gained. I can only imagine how much I disgusted him in the years that followed when we were no longer together and my weight continued to rise to its all-time high of 254, which at not quite 5'2" is getting up there. And then there are the pictures that my own son, who I know adores me, has drawn of us together, he is tiny and slim and I am very, very round. He's told me (without meaning harm, just stating fact) that I am fat and we've had many discussions about how it makes people feel to focus on any one aspect of their bodies that they may not feel so good about. I will never forget one time we were watching a show (I was, he happened to be next to me) on weight loss surgery. One of the women there was very, very large and my son was laughing. He was 5 at the time. I asked him what he thought was so funny, and he started telling me how it's funny that she is so fat. We had a very serious discussion that night about people and their appearance and their feelings. He's little, and he hates it when people refer to him as peanut, or call him small, and so I made sure he understood that it really is no different for someone who is big and heavy...sensitivity training starts so early...and so does the prejudice.

The only other stories I have about being heavy are really from issues with my family (mom mostly) regarding my weight. Her obsession with my weight started when I was pretty young and she made other people obsess about it until I was humiliated. I remember shopping for clothing with her when I was probably 9 or 10, and having been an early bloomer, I had hips and breasts already and clothing in the juniors (or misses?) section didn't fit me like she thought it should. So she yelled at me in the store, in front of everyone, telling me that these clothes SHOULD fit me, and that she was putting me on a diet when we got home. She was angry and I was mortified and ashamed. There was a lot of ridicule from her about my size growing up and even as an adult, though she became more subtle in her undermining.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Zachary Makes Me Laugh

Zachary wanted me to take a picture of him picking his nose. What a goof.