Monday, December 31, 2007

New Year's Eve...A Look Back

New Year’s Eve. Getting better and better every year. I know I have made great strides in accepting who I am and loving who that person is. The body has been the last holdout for me...well, occasionally I have stupid doubts about my lovability...but I am making progress with that as well.

Moving forward in 2008, I'm going to remind myself of this next quote:

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” ~ Helen Keller

As of today, I have lost 100.6 lbs. in 2007. Wow.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Best Christmas Ever!

This year has been our best Christmas ever! My son is SOOO the perfect age for this! He still believes in Santa (I'm not sure now many more years I'll get out of it, but I'm hoping for AT LEAST one more), and his excitement about all this Christmas is outstanding! We baked and decorated tons of sugar cookies on Sunday (much to MY demise). He was so excited to give gifts out, he woke up at 5:50 a.m. Christmas day and was so cute...woke up saying "Mom, has Santa already been here?" (I was already awake.) I said "yes sweetheart." He bolted up and said "as soon as I stretched I'm wide awake!" I teased him and said "you don't want to go check your presents NOW do you? You want to sleep a little more, don't you?" He met my question with a resounding "NO SLEEP!" He was patient though and waited for me to make the coffee and serve it (my brother and sister-in-law had slept over), and so he was all snuggly on the sofa bed with my sister-in-law (I got a picture of that) and then he was just so cute and thankful for the things he got. Of course, he was told that Santa ALSO visited my brother and sister-in-law's for him, and so after he got his Nintendo DS at home, he said "I get Santa brought me a Wii at Uncle Andy's house". We talked about how Santa typically limits each child to one electronic game system per this might not be the year he gets a Wii. But he was nonetheless very happy with what he got, and he got me a Webkinz Reindeer (I had gotten him one as well), so they are now twins and are named Rudolph and Randolph. And we talked about Santa...and how Santa and Christmas are both all about love, and that love is magic...and that is why Santa is magic and he exists in every single person who shows their love for others. He is just a little love...and he so gets it.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Holiday Party at Work....Watch Out

We had our holiday luncheon here at work today. Everything was catered in from a local Italian place. I made good overall food choices (had some mini meatballs, chicken with vegetables, skipped the pasta, some salad, some sausage with peppers and onions and some eggplant parm, probably the "worst" thing in the bunch)...but I just had too much of it. Nothing got stuck, and I didn't feel sick...I just feel way, way too full, over an hour and a half after I finished eating. I'm ready for a nap.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Down to 158 lbs.

158 lbs. now. Wow. Getting closer to having lost 100 lbs. since this time last year.

I am still working on finding my place in this world...but I'm settling a little better every day. My family is my son, my brother and sister-in-law, and her family, as well as the wonderful network of close friends I have developed over the years. They truly are my family. It seems that many of them have stepped up to fill greater roles in my (and my son's) life after the death of my mom. Dad passed away 21 years ago. Mom just 1.5 years ago. Family has been redefined over the years and, in particular, this past 1.5 years. I'm happy with my family. The biological members don’t really know as much about the ins and outs of my weight loss journey, but my friends (in particular through support group and OH) know all the inner workings of my food addiction “recovery.”

I do believe in spirit and souls and that we are all connected. I just have issues with something called God. I lost my dad when I was 16...and then he died when I was 20. I had limited contact with him from the time I was 13 until 16, and I can definitely empathize with the hole it leaves. I spent years watching him wither away from multiple sclerosis (he was diagnosed when I was 4). I watched him go from an intelligent and soft-spoken man to a man who could not speak, walk, feed himself or attend to any other needs himself at all. I watched both of my parents battle chronic illnesses while I grew up...and I endured a lot of questions from my peers as an elementary-aged child about why my dad always did the "hula" when he stood (his balance was greatly impacted in the very beginning of his disease when he could still stand). His death when I was 20 really brought me to my knees. I hadn't seen him or talked to him in 4 years and I was consumed with guilt. I just couldn't even function. And that used to give me such anxiety about how I would cope when my mom passed as she and I were so much closer. I'm thankful for the years I had with her. I wish things had ended on a more positive note (we weren't in a good place with each other at the time of her death). I think it will always hurt.

This year is the second Christmas without my mom. She died very unexpectedly at age 64 of a massive pulmonary embolism. It took us all completely by surprise. She loved Christmas...she WAS Christmas for our family. Last year was hard. This year feels better, even though sad. I do know that she would be happy to have us enjoy the holiday and not be filled with sorrow. And I try to remind myself of that on the more down days. It is also a very good time to reflect on the sweet along with the bitter. I will be eternally grateful for this gift that is my son...he turned my life into something wonderful. Thank goodness for sweet little boys who have infectious enthusiasm for getting Christmas trees up and decorated. If not for Zachary, I probably wouldn't have gotten this done at all. But it's up, and he did a beautiful job decorating. The cats are poised to get the ornaments down.