Monday, November 23, 2009

The Daily Struggles

It's been quite a while since I've written. I'm struggling. There is no doubt about it.

But today, I'm taking a new approach to dealing with difficult feelings. I still have issues with wanting to eat when I'm lonely, sad, bored. Work has been pretty sucky. Interpersonal relationships (friendships and romantic relationships alike) feel very, very precarious or non-existent. The holidays this year actually have me thinking about and missing my mom. She passed away 3.5 years ago. She loved the holidays. Pie baking, cooking and holiday shopping brought her a great deal of joy. Most of the time, I do NOT have warm and fuzzy feelings about I'm actually relishing that I am having positive memories and thoughts, though it's sort of bittersweet.

Anyway, I've not been eating as well as I should, nor exercising as much as I should. I can recognize that this is counterproductive to helping me stay physically and mentally at the top of my game.

So this morning on my drive into work, I found myself thinking. Then I decided that it would have more value if I actually said the things I was thinking out loud to myself. I told myself that this is going to be a good week with food and exercise...that I am going to meet my goals and be on track...that my body does not need the abuse or neglect of me misfeeding it and not exercising it...and my mind doesn't need the crap thoughts that come with making those bad choices. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good physically and emotionally. I'm in control of many of the things that help me to be happy and healthy. So, that's my affirmation for this minute, this morning, this day, this week.

Weight loss surgery is definitely a tool for our arsenal against obesity, but it is no cure. I need to maintain focus on how much better I FEEL when I make those good choices. When I eat like crap and don't exercise I beat myself up...because I'm taking away from myself huge positive reinforcements of the good choices. Focusing on the positive is always a much, much better coping skill than dwelling on the negative of how I've failed or will fail. I have to always remember that my body and mind count on me to take care of them and make the best choices for them.

My attitude this year is holidays be damned! I am up 9 lbs. from where I want to be. And it terrifies me. What if 9 becomes 15? Does 15 beg to become 20? I can't go there. I simply can't.

Setting goals (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly) is a huge part of staying forward focused and not dwelling on my past mistakes. The date for my first sprint triathlon was posted today. July 25, 2010. I'm doing this with three other ladies, two of whom actually live in other states, and one of whom is also an RNYer. My Philly friend told me about the date today...and I needed that. It's concrete, it's real, and staying in shape physically and mentally is the ONLY way I'm going to be able to complete that goal. This year's goal was to be a 2009 Road Race Series finisher...I will complete that goal with my last 5K of the year on December 5th. Martha and I will complete it together. YAY US!

This is it. This is the battle. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. One's up to me to make the best of it with my choices.