Friday, September 21, 2007

10 Weeks Post-op...Wow Moments and New Stirrings

I’m a little over 10 weeks out now. I’ve lost about 32 lbs. since surgery. Since my consult with Dr. B, I’m down about 65 lbs. I feel SO much better than I did. Before surgery, I was wearing size 24 pants (and they were TIGHT) and 2X tops.

There are many things that are becoming more active in my life…like the desire to be in a relationship with someone. I've been both heavy and thin as an adult. There are huge differences in my self-confidence and outgoingness. I have found that when I'm heavier, I really close myself off to people of the opposite sex...I won't even flirt because there's a part of me that's thinking the other person will think "eeew, why on EARTH would she even think I'd be interested to even flirt with her?" I know that's my own issue, not really the other person's (at least I hope not). But it's part of what the weight does in my head...and it makes me a very different, less outgoing person in many ways when I’m heavier. Losing weight means regaining some of that self-confidence and putting myself out there a little more. And with that comes greater risk of being hurt. All things that I will need to deal with.

I’ve had lots of “wow” moments these past two months or so. Coworkers have been so positive and supportive of me these past few months, remarking on how good I Look. My clothes have gone from being so tight they were uncomfortable, to fitting comfortably again, and then becoming baggy and loose. I am now able to take care of personal hygiene properly and thoroughly without becoming a contortionist. My bra is finally becoming so big that the band is loose and the fabric of the cup is so wrinkled that it can't be hidden under clothing so I’ve had to buy some new ones. My son recently started back to school this week and the other moms and his teacher were telling me how incredible I look. We ran into my son's best friend's older sister (who is all of 13) last night at a local pizza place...and she apparently went home and told her mom “MOM! I saw Zachary's mom and she looks INCREDIBLE!” All really feel-good moments. I think I've been living inside myself for a little too long...and I'm done with that...thin, fat, whatever.

October 14, 2007
I'm really struggling with self-doubt...I want to feel good, be happy, and this week is just challenging me so much. I know I have made great strides with my weight loss and body...I know that I'm in a much better place than I have been before in terms of self-esteem. I had memories flooding my head of so many of the issues with my mom that affect my self-esteem even now. She's been gone for almost 1.5 years now...and I know that all the years before took their toll on me...I just am feeling very alone, lonely, unlovable and honestly, wondering whether I will ever find someone that just loves me...truly loves me.

I bought a corset today...never purchased anything quite like that in my life. And as I tried it on behind the closed door of my bedroom, my 6.5 year old barged in (nothing new there), and I tried to cover up. He was with me when I bought it and said "Are you trying on your stuff? Can I see it?" It was just a corset, and I knew the situation would go away so much quicker if I just let him see me. He looked and he said "awwww mom, you look BEAUTIFUL!" You know, I sat there and thought in my head "yeah, sure I do."

Heaven help me because I did not struggle in the first 3 months post-op with much of anything...didn't grieve the loss of food...didn't have a hard time eating...these are just all of my same old issues that have never gone away, that I work on day in and day out in my life and in therapy. I just need some reassurance that someday these feelings and thoughts will really become part of my past, and not my present and future.

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