Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Forgiving Myself

I can't imagine I'm the only person out here who has a hard time forgiving herself for being human and occasionally hurting people (unintentionally of course). It's a little more than 2 months away from the 2nd anniversary of my mom's death. When she died, she and I were not in a very good place...and knowing how much she was hurting because I was having to really establish and stick to boundaries that were seriously lacking in our relationship for so long, well, it has really eaten at me on and off for the past two years.

I feel a great deal of compassion for where she was in her own life and journey, though it didn't change our interactions. I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on this, talking about it in therapy, etc.

I have a great deal of guilt lately because I've been thinking that honestly, I don't think I would be nearly as successful with my RNY if my mom were still alive. I am a much happier person because honestly, there isn't anyone in my life who really makes me feel like a crappy person, daughter, human being. And some of the conflicts with my mom definitely did that. I feel tremendous guilt in saying that. My therapist and I talked about it a lot last night and she said "there is a difference between laying blame and calling a spade a spade...and what you're doing is calling a spade a spade. Your mom was a huge help to you...but there was also a really huge price to pay personally for that help."

I worry that my mom's spirit is hurt knowing that I feel this way...because I know she did the best she could...but that doesn't excuse the stuff that went down. My therapist was basically saying that I need to remember that her soul is not Earthbound anymore, and as such, it's more evolved (hopefully) and if she is able to be in tune with the things I'm feeling and thinking, then she has done the soul work herself to be in a place to hear it with more wisdom than she could have ever had while she was here on earth. And that if she isn't hearing it because her soul hasn't evolved that much yet, then it's not hurting her anyway.

It's very difficult for me to miss her so profoundly, and yet also be grateful for the kind of personal growth I'm able to experience without her being in my life day to day. And I know that sounds awful...and I need to work on getting past that.

I believe we’re here on this Earth to learn and to love and to experience things so our souls can continue to evolve and be enriched. It gives me pause for thought to reconsider the reasons I did the things I did in my relationship with my mom. And I know I did what I needed to do...I just still have regret that it caused her pain sometimes. Self-forgiveness is going to be a biggie for me to work on.

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