My H&W Appointment

We reviewed my 8-month labs and all is well. My labs overall look really good. My iron isn't "low," but it's on the very low side of normal, and because I've been feeling so fatigued we're going to try upping it to every day and see if that helps with the fatigue I've been feeling/fighting. There are some other minor things but overall they said I look good on paper. And after much discussion with Melinda about my bathroom habits and difficulties, we are upping my vitamin C to 1000 mg daily, as well as adding 50 mg of zinc daily in hopes it will help with some of my bowel troubles. Melinda also called me later and said after reviewing my food journal, I may want to back off of some of the insoluble fiber in my diet as that could be irritating the fissures I have. I've had them for over 7 years now, and for the past few months I have had daily bleeding (not just a teeny amount) and horrible pain with every bowel movement that persists throughout the day well after going to the bathroom. As Melinda and I both agreed that "pooping should be a joyful experience that you just kind of go "ahhh" afterwards," what I'm experiencing will just not cut it long term. I've had enough of this. So, we agreed that I will try the zinc and vitamin C, as well as backing off the insoluble fiber, and if that means needing to use the Enulose syrup daily for a little while to get these things to heal, so be it. I also have a call in to the GI guy I saw many years ago who first diagnosed the fissures to see what he suggests. I just really have had enough of the pain and bleeding.

We took measurements today and both Melinda and Ellen were very happy with my progress. My next appointment with them is scheduled for 4 months from now...so I'll be just over a year out then. It's hard for me to believe just how quickly these past 8 months (heck, the past year since I started risk reduction) have gone. I don't remember all of the numbers, but I've lost I believe somewhere around 25 to 30 inches between my hips and waist, my body fat percentage is obviously down significantly (it was 28 something today, and I can't remember what it was when I was there in January 2007, but I think it was in the upper 40s). Without shoes on, I weighed 139.1 on their scale.

Strangely enough, after such a good visit I feel like I should feel really good...and I do. But in all honesty, the fatigue I'm feeling today is just way too much. I have felt ready for bed since I got up this morning. I hope to get to bed early tonight. I know I've been dreaming a lot lately and last night's dreams were not particularly pleasant.

You know what really makes me laugh? People who look at me and say "guys must be pounding down your door." Um, nope, they aren't. And I'm very frustrated by that. And sad about it. Makes me wonder just what is wrong with me that I don't attract potential partners. I haven't been asked out on a single date since my surgery. Not that it should have changed everything in my world, but I would have hoped that my more "normal" body size and shape would at least not deter men from approaching me. I wonder sometimes if I will just be alone/partnerless the rest of my life. I think I could certainly handle that...but it would make me very sad.

I've always thought that was something inherently unlovable/unpartnerable about me. Over the years I've gotten lots of reassurance from people I trust and respect that no, there's nothing inherently wrong with me. But for me, it's like "the proof is in the pudding." And for me, there is no pudding, and there is no proof. I've heard "it will happen when you least expect it," I've heard "when you aren't looking," or "stop looking or trying so hard." Let me just say, I've tried it from every approach and I find it a miracle sometimes that I ever met someone and lived with him and conceived a child with him...it shocks me that someone apparently wanted to be with me even that long. Yeah, I guess today I'm down on the whole topic of dating and men. I don't always feel this way. But lately it's wearing thin. I want to enjoy my life, I want to be out and active and doing things with old and new friends alike...and I am doing that as much as possible. But in some ways, the dating ways, I feel incredibly stagnant. I think regular nookie would do wonders for my mood. :)