Here I sit...struggling with a knot in my stomach that extends from my hips to my neck. I don't know whether to cry...I don't know that I really want to talk about it either...but I know it feels awful. And it also feels kind of numb at the same time. I also know that it's coming from fear. I feel as though I've failed in this area of my life sometimes. I get the feeling that people look at me and think I have my life so together. Well guess what? I don't.
Inside, sometimes I feel like a complete and total wreck. In fact, I feel like that a great deal of the time. But I think I've become a pretty good actress in that externally, people don't usually see that. If it gets so bad that it actually starts to spill out, well, I'm already at the point where I'm not sure how to keep pushing through. I don't actively seek ways to hurt myself, but I don't deny that I have those times when not waking up or an accident happening doesn't actually sound like respite.
There are days when I literally cannot stop the tears from flowing from my eyes while I sit quietly at my desk at work. I hide in my cube...I don't want anyone to see me this way because it's obvious that I'm hurting and if I start to talk about it at all, I'll completely fall apart. I've pushed a few people away when they've noticed the tears in my eyes and they've asked what's wrong. All I can do is say nothing and walk briskly away to splash cold water on my face. I still fear that I'm going to start crying and lose control and never regain it again. And if that happens, I'll end up back in the hospital and lose my child. I still have nightmares/dreams about being back in the hospital. I have at least a few of them each month. In those dreams, my child's care is always of great concern to me...who has him...where does he think I am...will I ever see him again.
I am tired of battling this crap in my life. I am angry that after so many years of therapy there is pain, there is daily battling my demons, my fears, my insecurities. They are all still there...despite years and years of therapy. Despite opening myself up to people. Despite trying to have a positive outlook. Despite trying to remain a person who has hopes and dreams. Despite talking to myself in my own head to talk myself OUT of these places. It is still a daily battle...and I'm really, really worn out and I feel beaten down. It is a lot of work and diligence. Sometimes I just don't want to work at it anymore.
I watch my son struggling with his own depression and I feel like I've cursed him. That all of his anxieties and worries are all my fault. Despite my best efforts to fix myself so that he may grow up healthy, I failed. Great, now by my very existence, I've hurt his life. I don't know how to reckon with that guilt.
When I feel crappy, and it starts to spill out, my insecurities about people loving me come out in full force. It's like "shit, they'll see the REAL me and realize that I'm this needy, clingy person who makes them absolutely insane and annoys them and they want to ditch as quickly as possible. How could I have ever believed that anyone could actually love me? What a fool I am!" It takes such tremendous effort NOT to allow my thoughts to stay there. I know that if I let the thoughts go there, well, the abyss will just get deeper and darker. I try to focus on how my experiences might help someone else. And when I feel like I'm a failure at even that, it seems like working through all this crap in my life has been for naught. I have nothing to offer...nothing of any value to anyone...least of all the people I really care about. If I can't be here for anyone else, what purpose do I even have here at all? I guess I still have a whole lot to learn about letting go.
About Me
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
My Life Is So Rich And Blessed
The more I think about my life, the more I realize just how spectacular it is. That doesn't mean it always feels great, not by any stretch. But it is vibrant with activity and feelings that I actually deal with. The incredible network of friends I have forged over the years sustains me. In my friends is my lifeline, no doubt about it. And the more I open up to them, the more I realize how incredibly well suited they are to being in my life and being what I need right here, right now. I feel as though I've finally started really finding HOARDS of people who, just like me, are willing to deal with life on life's terms. As a result, we can share and bond through those common struggles. How incredible is that?
On New Year's Day, in conversation with my friend Dave, he started talking about the NOW and staying in it. I thought he was actually poking fun at me after reading my blog post. Nope. Turns out he had written something along the same lines for a newsletter he does. It really had me doing a double-take...in a positive way, and smiling.
This morning, I received an email update from my friend Vicky F. There are two paragraphs from her update that, with her permission, I am posting here because they resonate so strongly with me.
"The purpose of friendship has become the focal point of my heart. It always was the cat’s meow and now it is the lifeblood. I have spent more energy and emotion on the true treasure of living. Friends are everything. At every opportunity take the chance. The richness of living life slower with friendships is worth more than every single quarter I have ever earned. Is it an age thing? Am I beginning to realize the secret of life? Finally, eh?
I want to share a little profoundness. So many physical changes in the last few years have peeled away some armor that I used for protection. I reached out to a therapist to examine my choices of coping mechanisms. I discovered basic rules I have set for myself began before cognitive thinking was even on board. Seeking to educate myself remains my biggest joy. Discovery of the “why” in choices is very revealing. Childhood circumstances can form our lives far into the future. We can choose, every day, forever, how we apply the experiences to our lives. First we have to understand those experiences exist and affect our reason. It has been pure joy to see why I am the way I am. I see more clearly how my choices direct my happiness. My advice: Take the time to be your own friend. Love you ~~ it is miraculous."
Vicky said it so very well. So incredibly well. I share it here with you because I think it's something we all could benefit from embracing.
On New Year's Day, in conversation with my friend Dave, he started talking about the NOW and staying in it. I thought he was actually poking fun at me after reading my blog post. Nope. Turns out he had written something along the same lines for a newsletter he does. It really had me doing a double-take...in a positive way, and smiling.
This morning, I received an email update from my friend Vicky F. There are two paragraphs from her update that, with her permission, I am posting here because they resonate so strongly with me.
"The purpose of friendship has become the focal point of my heart. It always was the cat’s meow and now it is the lifeblood. I have spent more energy and emotion on the true treasure of living. Friends are everything. At every opportunity take the chance. The richness of living life slower with friendships is worth more than every single quarter I have ever earned. Is it an age thing? Am I beginning to realize the secret of life? Finally, eh?
I want to share a little profoundness. So many physical changes in the last few years have peeled away some armor that I used for protection. I reached out to a therapist to examine my choices of coping mechanisms. I discovered basic rules I have set for myself began before cognitive thinking was even on board. Seeking to educate myself remains my biggest joy. Discovery of the “why” in choices is very revealing. Childhood circumstances can form our lives far into the future. We can choose, every day, forever, how we apply the experiences to our lives. First we have to understand those experiences exist and affect our reason. It has been pure joy to see why I am the way I am. I see more clearly how my choices direct my happiness. My advice: Take the time to be your own friend. Love you ~~ it is miraculous."
Vicky said it so very well. So incredibly well. I share it here with you because I think it's something we all could benefit from embracing.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
It's actually 2009. Wow! The year 2008 will seriously go down in history for me. It was a year of tremendous change, physically, personally, emotionally. I continued to work on changing my body size/shape/condition, I changed jobs, I turned 40, I began dating someone seriously. I had the realization/thought the other day that my life is likely more than half over. And the past 20 years that I have grown and changed since being that young adult in tremendous emotional turmoil, well, in another 20 years I'll be nearing retirement. How did time come to move so quickly?!?!
I find myself thinking that I need to make damn sure I make the absolute best of these years I have ahead of me. Life is indeed too short to wait for anything. If I want it, I'm going for it. If I don't know what it is I want, well, then it's worth the effort to figure that out or at the very least enjoy every last second of where I'm at in the NOW. One of the books I've been reading (slowly, very, very slowly) is by Eckhart Tolle. I must admit that I have to take the book in really little doses so that I can actually grasp what he's saying. Makes me wonder sometimes if I'm just really that dense or my mind really just struggles that much with appreciating/enjoying/living in the NOW (instead of the past or future). In looking on his website this morning, this quote was there:
"When you are present in this moment, you break the continuity of your story, of past and future. Then true intelligence arises, and also love. The only way love can come into your life is not through form, but through that inner spaciousness that is Presence. Love has no form."
I think I'm going to contemplate that thought today...there's a lot there and I think it has great value. There are many things which occurred in 2008 that continuously pointed to me needing to focus on staying in the now...the lesson is apparently very necessary for me. I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. My philosophy is that if something in my life needs to change and I recognize it, there's no better time than the present. It is always the case that one never knows when something else is going to come up. Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls and screw balls and the only thing you CAN count on is that those things will happen and you will never be able to be completely prepared for it...so best to learn how to roll with it. If I've learned nothing else in this life it's that there is no shortage of my own issues to grapple with on any given day, but it has gotten much easier for the most part over the years. Yes, there are the "core" ones that get kicked off periodically, but even those are getting easier to recognize quickly and rebound from when placed in perspective.
Happy 2009! May it be a year filled with laughter, love, learning and light!
I find myself thinking that I need to make damn sure I make the absolute best of these years I have ahead of me. Life is indeed too short to wait for anything. If I want it, I'm going for it. If I don't know what it is I want, well, then it's worth the effort to figure that out or at the very least enjoy every last second of where I'm at in the NOW. One of the books I've been reading (slowly, very, very slowly) is by Eckhart Tolle. I must admit that I have to take the book in really little doses so that I can actually grasp what he's saying. Makes me wonder sometimes if I'm just really that dense or my mind really just struggles that much with appreciating/enjoying/living in the NOW (instead of the past or future). In looking on his website this morning, this quote was there:
"When you are present in this moment, you break the continuity of your story, of past and future. Then true intelligence arises, and also love. The only way love can come into your life is not through form, but through that inner spaciousness that is Presence. Love has no form."
I think I'm going to contemplate that thought today...there's a lot there and I think it has great value. There are many things which occurred in 2008 that continuously pointed to me needing to focus on staying in the now...the lesson is apparently very necessary for me. I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. My philosophy is that if something in my life needs to change and I recognize it, there's no better time than the present. It is always the case that one never knows when something else is going to come up. Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls and screw balls and the only thing you CAN count on is that those things will happen and you will never be able to be completely prepared for it...so best to learn how to roll with it. If I've learned nothing else in this life it's that there is no shortage of my own issues to grapple with on any given day, but it has gotten much easier for the most part over the years. Yes, there are the "core" ones that get kicked off periodically, but even those are getting easier to recognize quickly and rebound from when placed in perspective.
Happy 2009! May it be a year filled with laughter, love, learning and light!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Dangerous Neighborhood
The mind...it's a dangerous neighborhood to wander in alone at times. The things we think in our heads, the things we allow to take root there...well, they can really destroy us if we let them.
My days of going into my thoughts and staying there with the negativity are so few and far between now...and I'm grateful for that. At the same time, I really dread that they still occur at all. I'm still working on learning how to cope with them. Do I share the thoughts with others? Which people do I share them with? What thoughts do I employ myself to combat the downward spiral?
I'm getting better at hearing the negatives in my own mind and saying in response to them "no, you're NOT a bad person, you're NOT a fucked up person, you're just human...and you have bad days, and that doesn't mean you're bad, and it doesn't mean you're still a basket case, and it doesn't mean you have to stay there. Remember all of the things you have accomplished in your life...the struggles you have overcome and been victorious over."
Over the past 20 years or so, after having it bludgeoned into my brain that I need to talk about this stuff or it kills me physically and mentally, I have learned to share with others, close friends/confidantes when I have days like this. Most of the time anyway. But now, I'm in new territory. I have a significant other with whom I want to share my thoughts and feelings...and at the same time, I'm terrified that if I share the days like this, well, he'll realize just how messed up I still am and it will scare him off. I think there are some things I still just need to actually learn how to keep to myself a bit more until I've processed them. I'm doing much better these days at the positive self-talk to get out of those yuck places.
Seriously...stay out of your head...as much as possible. It's not a pretty place.
My days of going into my thoughts and staying there with the negativity are so few and far between now...and I'm grateful for that. At the same time, I really dread that they still occur at all. I'm still working on learning how to cope with them. Do I share the thoughts with others? Which people do I share them with? What thoughts do I employ myself to combat the downward spiral?
I'm getting better at hearing the negatives in my own mind and saying in response to them "no, you're NOT a bad person, you're NOT a fucked up person, you're just human...and you have bad days, and that doesn't mean you're bad, and it doesn't mean you're still a basket case, and it doesn't mean you have to stay there. Remember all of the things you have accomplished in your life...the struggles you have overcome and been victorious over."
Over the past 20 years or so, after having it bludgeoned into my brain that I need to talk about this stuff or it kills me physically and mentally, I have learned to share with others, close friends/confidantes when I have days like this. Most of the time anyway. But now, I'm in new territory. I have a significant other with whom I want to share my thoughts and feelings...and at the same time, I'm terrified that if I share the days like this, well, he'll realize just how messed up I still am and it will scare him off. I think there are some things I still just need to actually learn how to keep to myself a bit more until I've processed them. I'm doing much better these days at the positive self-talk to get out of those yuck places.
Seriously...stay out of your head...as much as possible. It's not a pretty place.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
And So This Is Christmas
The Christmas spirit has been more elusive for me than usual this year...that is until last night and today. I have been so incredibly fortunate these past two years. Ok, I've been fortunate for way more than two years, but right now that's what I'm focused on. So much has changed since my mom passed away and I subsequently began this weight loss surgery journey...i.e., the beginning of the rest of my life.
In a conversation with my boss the other day, he remarked on how the changes haven't been just to my physical being but to everything that I am...that it has been an overall transformation. I think this is in part due to the weight loss, but I think it's also due to many other changes in thinking that I began to embrace around the same time I began pursuing weight loss surgery. The weight loss has affected my self-confidence in such major ways. I'm still me...still the same person I always was, but she's no longer hiding or ashamed or embarrassed and afraid of drawing attention to herself. As a result, I'm more outspoken and vocal. My sense of humor shines through much more because I no longer worry that people will think I'm stupid or just plain old not funny. I don't care nearly as much what the majority of people in this world think of me. I find that much easier to do when I don't have the body image issues to focus on. I'm more accepting of myself...and as such, care less about whether others accept me as I am or not.
The changes in attitude and self-confidence have affected my work, my mothering, and my personal and social lives. My life is good...it is full and happy. I learned long ago to be happy regardless of my circumstances. I have my down days, but I've really gotten much better at plodding through them, knowing they will pass and the sun will shine again. There's been one piece missing from my life for a while now though. I haven't had the adult male companionship, friendship and love that I have so desired.
My heart is big...there is so much in it that I want to share. My son gets a great deal of my love and my life. But he can't and shouldn't fill all of my needs for love and companionship. I've dated...I've blogged about my unsuccessful dates at times. And when I finally said "I just don't much care anymore if I meet someone for the long-term, I just want to have fun and enjoy my life," he appeared. I did a few things early on to dispel the notion of this relationship becoming serious. But for whatever reasons, call it fate or destiny or chance (and I don't really believe in chance), we still connected, this man and I. And now, I have fallen completely and utterly head over heals in love with him. My fears of abandonment creep in now and then. I'm sure somewhere along the line my trust issues will also rear their ugly heads as well. This man is patient, and kind, and thoughtful and understanding...and he's like me in many, many ways. He's all about the communication, and he's all about having a huge heart with much love to give. I am so unbelievably thankful right now that his heart has been given to me. The person I am in this relationship is the person I want to be in a relationship. And it happens pretty damn easily. Wow. Just, wow.
And so this is Christmas. My son and I are happy and healthy, and we have an amazing new person in our lives...and the hope of not just SOME of my dreams, but ALL of my dreams coming true has been restored. Love, hope, peace...all in time for Christmas. Does it get any better than that?
In a conversation with my boss the other day, he remarked on how the changes haven't been just to my physical being but to everything that I am...that it has been an overall transformation. I think this is in part due to the weight loss, but I think it's also due to many other changes in thinking that I began to embrace around the same time I began pursuing weight loss surgery. The weight loss has affected my self-confidence in such major ways. I'm still me...still the same person I always was, but she's no longer hiding or ashamed or embarrassed and afraid of drawing attention to herself. As a result, I'm more outspoken and vocal. My sense of humor shines through much more because I no longer worry that people will think I'm stupid or just plain old not funny. I don't care nearly as much what the majority of people in this world think of me. I find that much easier to do when I don't have the body image issues to focus on. I'm more accepting of myself...and as such, care less about whether others accept me as I am or not.
The changes in attitude and self-confidence have affected my work, my mothering, and my personal and social lives. My life is good...it is full and happy. I learned long ago to be happy regardless of my circumstances. I have my down days, but I've really gotten much better at plodding through them, knowing they will pass and the sun will shine again. There's been one piece missing from my life for a while now though. I haven't had the adult male companionship, friendship and love that I have so desired.
My heart is big...there is so much in it that I want to share. My son gets a great deal of my love and my life. But he can't and shouldn't fill all of my needs for love and companionship. I've dated...I've blogged about my unsuccessful dates at times. And when I finally said "I just don't much care anymore if I meet someone for the long-term, I just want to have fun and enjoy my life," he appeared. I did a few things early on to dispel the notion of this relationship becoming serious. But for whatever reasons, call it fate or destiny or chance (and I don't really believe in chance), we still connected, this man and I. And now, I have fallen completely and utterly head over heals in love with him. My fears of abandonment creep in now and then. I'm sure somewhere along the line my trust issues will also rear their ugly heads as well. This man is patient, and kind, and thoughtful and understanding...and he's like me in many, many ways. He's all about the communication, and he's all about having a huge heart with much love to give. I am so unbelievably thankful right now that his heart has been given to me. The person I am in this relationship is the person I want to be in a relationship. And it happens pretty damn easily. Wow. Just, wow.
And so this is Christmas. My son and I are happy and healthy, and we have an amazing new person in our lives...and the hope of not just SOME of my dreams, but ALL of my dreams coming true has been restored. Love, hope, peace...all in time for Christmas. Does it get any better than that?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Happy Days
It's been a bit since I've written. I guess I've been busy with the thoughts in my head, getting ready for the holidays, balancing work, family and new social connections. I won't say a bunch about it here just yet, but I've been dating someone that I really think is very special. It's all pretty exciting and scary. I'm doing my best, with his help, to not let my fear take over and ruin a good thing. From what I've seen and learned about him, he's really a damn fine man in so many ways. So fine, in fact, that I find myself saying "wow, could this really be???" Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts...they make all the difference in the world you know. :)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sometimes, Validation Is Everything
Last weekend, Zachary and I took a trip down to NYC to visit long-time family friends. Paul has known me since I was probably 2.5 years old, and he knew both of my parents. He and his wife, Hilda, Zachary and I got together last Saturday to visit and have dinner. Paul is a bright spot in my childhood. When my mother could no longer take me shopping because the conflict was just too high between us, it was Paul she designated as the adult in charge for my clothes shopping. He never ridiculed me for being fat (which sometimes she did), and he never made me feel badly for not having the same taste as he had in clothing.
There were many times I know my mom vented to Paul about her feelings towards me...her anger, disappointment, hurt. So many things I did caused her great pain...never did I intentionally try to inflict pain on her though. Never. As I grew up and eventually started becoming healthier mentally, I was unable and unwilling to tolerate the poor treatment that was a result of some of her own issues. When she died, our relationship was very, very strained because of the constant conflict.
Over the years, I knew that Paul heard things about me from her that I suspected made him think less of me. I only hoped that he knew enough of my mom and her own troubles that he was able to have some perspective on things and not hate me. I lived with a great deal of shame around most of my mom's friends...fearing that they thought I was a wretched, ungrateful and selfish daughter.
I sent yesterday's blog entry to Paul and Hilda to read. They have been there for me since well before my hospitalization. Hilda sent me an absolutely lovely response, and below is the response that I received from Paul. Maybe I can finally cast aside some of the shame I felt, thinking that he thought less of me as a person. He wrote:
***************************
Dear Amy,
I read your blog twice and it saddened me that a child would have to endure a life cloistered within the disturbed patterns of two people. Fortunately, Amy, an inner strength probably surfaced and helped you through unseen exits. But the conflicts that always hung around the two people--separate or together--found you.
You lived with a mother who herself lived with demons inside. They rose with Catherine in the morning and accompanied her to bed. Only she would know if they wrote the scenario for each dream. Of course there were breaks when the demons had to rest from overwork--not too often. Catherine was very intelligent, and used it not for the benefit of creating a harmonious family atmosphere, but to work in executive positions. But the inner demons voted, and none (there were many) of the positions were, after awhile, considered acceptable.
When Harvey worked at Otis elevator on 3rd Avenue and 48th Street, I would meet him often for lunch. I ended my workday around 1:15. I never, ever, saw a piece of paper or anything else connected to work on his desk. Except for himself, his cubicle was always empty. Although our conversations ranged far and wide, he always expressed a very negative, almost misanthropic, attitude. Also he was always sarcastic. Our meetings began to, and then eventually drifted into, nothing. This was before MS took over.
Of course this is only a small peek into your world where you were forced as a child to live with Catherine and Harvey. And yet Amy, you have emerged and shaped yourself into a strong and attractive woman. On Saturday there was a glow to you with a strong personality. Not one to take small steps but to stride in the world.
Zachary is a beautiful child with, apparently, a sense of self. Now I am sure, Amy, there are times when he upsets you...but then he would smile that smile--he has to melt you. You have to be very proud, particularly as a single mother. On Saturday, Zachary was the fourth adult at the table.
I am personally very sorry that you had to endure what you endured--no child should. It was a walk through Hell.
Welcome to the world, Amy. You did it. An excellent example for Zachary, who is one terrific kid.
Love, Paul
***************************
This may sound weird, but it's really reassuring to get validation like this. I think that much of what went on as a kid, I minimized in order to survive...and so sometimes, I find myself wondering if it really happened, or if I'm just making mountains out of mole hills. The validation from others reminds me that there were good reasons why I struggled as I did and ended up needing a two-year hospitalization. All those people weren't misled or lied to by me.
I never expect people to believe me. I live with this constant fear that people will think I'm lying. That in itself is another issue from childhood. There was a therapist who told my mother that I was a liar when I was 12 years old. Why? Because I expressed fear of my mom. This therapist felt that since my mother wasn't physically abusive to me, my fears were unfounded. For the record, there are lots of things to be afraid of as a child beyond physical abuse--losing the love of a parent, having their disapproval, rejection by them, etc. With that edict handed down, so many of my feelings were discredited as not being based in reality. I started to believe really that I was the problem...not everyone else.
Anyway...I feel like the people who are in my life and give me any of that validation are dying off in a way. And I fear sometimes that I will discount all that I lived and worked through when they are no longer there to say "yes, this stuff was real, the things you experienced were horrible and hellish and I lived them/saw them too." So yeah, sometimes validation is everything.
There were many times I know my mom vented to Paul about her feelings towards me...her anger, disappointment, hurt. So many things I did caused her great pain...never did I intentionally try to inflict pain on her though. Never. As I grew up and eventually started becoming healthier mentally, I was unable and unwilling to tolerate the poor treatment that was a result of some of her own issues. When she died, our relationship was very, very strained because of the constant conflict.
Over the years, I knew that Paul heard things about me from her that I suspected made him think less of me. I only hoped that he knew enough of my mom and her own troubles that he was able to have some perspective on things and not hate me. I lived with a great deal of shame around most of my mom's friends...fearing that they thought I was a wretched, ungrateful and selfish daughter.
I sent yesterday's blog entry to Paul and Hilda to read. They have been there for me since well before my hospitalization. Hilda sent me an absolutely lovely response, and below is the response that I received from Paul. Maybe I can finally cast aside some of the shame I felt, thinking that he thought less of me as a person. He wrote:
***************************
Dear Amy,
I read your blog twice and it saddened me that a child would have to endure a life cloistered within the disturbed patterns of two people. Fortunately, Amy, an inner strength probably surfaced and helped you through unseen exits. But the conflicts that always hung around the two people--separate or together--found you.
You lived with a mother who herself lived with demons inside. They rose with Catherine in the morning and accompanied her to bed. Only she would know if they wrote the scenario for each dream. Of course there were breaks when the demons had to rest from overwork--not too often. Catherine was very intelligent, and used it not for the benefit of creating a harmonious family atmosphere, but to work in executive positions. But the inner demons voted, and none (there were many) of the positions were, after awhile, considered acceptable.
When Harvey worked at Otis elevator on 3rd Avenue and 48th Street, I would meet him often for lunch. I ended my workday around 1:15. I never, ever, saw a piece of paper or anything else connected to work on his desk. Except for himself, his cubicle was always empty. Although our conversations ranged far and wide, he always expressed a very negative, almost misanthropic, attitude. Also he was always sarcastic. Our meetings began to, and then eventually drifted into, nothing. This was before MS took over.
Of course this is only a small peek into your world where you were forced as a child to live with Catherine and Harvey. And yet Amy, you have emerged and shaped yourself into a strong and attractive woman. On Saturday there was a glow to you with a strong personality. Not one to take small steps but to stride in the world.
Zachary is a beautiful child with, apparently, a sense of self. Now I am sure, Amy, there are times when he upsets you...but then he would smile that smile--he has to melt you. You have to be very proud, particularly as a single mother. On Saturday, Zachary was the fourth adult at the table.
I am personally very sorry that you had to endure what you endured--no child should. It was a walk through Hell.
Welcome to the world, Amy. You did it. An excellent example for Zachary, who is one terrific kid.
Love, Paul
***************************
This may sound weird, but it's really reassuring to get validation like this. I think that much of what went on as a kid, I minimized in order to survive...and so sometimes, I find myself wondering if it really happened, or if I'm just making mountains out of mole hills. The validation from others reminds me that there were good reasons why I struggled as I did and ended up needing a two-year hospitalization. All those people weren't misled or lied to by me.
I never expect people to believe me. I live with this constant fear that people will think I'm lying. That in itself is another issue from childhood. There was a therapist who told my mother that I was a liar when I was 12 years old. Why? Because I expressed fear of my mom. This therapist felt that since my mother wasn't physically abusive to me, my fears were unfounded. For the record, there are lots of things to be afraid of as a child beyond physical abuse--losing the love of a parent, having their disapproval, rejection by them, etc. With that edict handed down, so many of my feelings were discredited as not being based in reality. I started to believe really that I was the problem...not everyone else.
Anyway...I feel like the people who are in my life and give me any of that validation are dying off in a way. And I fear sometimes that I will discount all that I lived and worked through when they are no longer there to say "yes, this stuff was real, the things you experienced were horrible and hellish and I lived them/saw them too." So yeah, sometimes validation is everything.
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