Sunday, December 28, 2008

Dangerous Neighborhood

The's a dangerous neighborhood to wander in alone at times. The things we think in our heads, the things we allow to take root there...well, they can really destroy us if we let them.

My days of going into my thoughts and staying there with the negativity are so few and far between now...and I'm grateful for that. At the same time, I really dread that they still occur at all. I'm still working on learning how to cope with them. Do I share the thoughts with others? Which people do I share them with? What thoughts do I employ myself to combat the downward spiral?

I'm getting better at hearing the negatives in my own mind and saying in response to them "no, you're NOT a bad person, you're NOT a fucked up person, you're just human...and you have bad days, and that doesn't mean you're bad, and it doesn't mean you're still a basket case, and it doesn't mean you have to stay there. Remember all of the things you have accomplished in your life...the struggles you have overcome and been victorious over."

Over the past 20 years or so, after having it bludgeoned into my brain that I need to talk about this stuff or it kills me physically and mentally, I have learned to share with others, close friends/confidantes when I have days like this. Most of the time anyway. But now, I'm in new territory. I have a significant other with whom I want to share my thoughts and feelings...and at the same time, I'm terrified that if I share the days like this, well, he'll realize just how messed up I still am and it will scare him off. I think there are some things I still just need to actually learn how to keep to myself a bit more until I've processed them. I'm doing much better these days at the positive self-talk to get out of those yuck places.

Seriously...stay out of your much as possible. It's not a pretty place.

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