Wednesday, December 24, 2008

And So This Is Christmas

The Christmas spirit has been more elusive for me than usual this year...that is until last night and today. I have been so incredibly fortunate these past two years. Ok, I've been fortunate for way more than two years, but right now that's what I'm focused on. So much has changed since my mom passed away and I subsequently began this weight loss surgery journey...i.e., the beginning of the rest of my life.

In a conversation with my boss the other day, he remarked on how the changes haven't been just to my physical being but to everything that I am...that it has been an overall transformation. I think this is in part due to the weight loss, but I think it's also due to many other changes in thinking that I began to embrace around the same time I began pursuing weight loss surgery. The weight loss has affected my self-confidence in such major ways. I'm still me...still the same person I always was, but she's no longer hiding or ashamed or embarrassed and afraid of drawing attention to herself. As a result, I'm more outspoken and vocal. My sense of humor shines through much more because I no longer worry that people will think I'm stupid or just plain old not funny. I don't care nearly as much what the majority of people in this world think of me. I find that much easier to do when I don't have the body image issues to focus on. I'm more accepting of myself...and as such, care less about whether others accept me as I am or not.

The changes in attitude and self-confidence have affected my work, my mothering, and my personal and social lives. My life is is full and happy. I learned long ago to be happy regardless of my circumstances. I have my down days, but I've really gotten much better at plodding through them, knowing they will pass and the sun will shine again. There's been one piece missing from my life for a while now though. I haven't had the adult male companionship, friendship and love that I have so desired.

My heart is big...there is so much in it that I want to share. My son gets a great deal of my love and my life. But he can't and shouldn't fill all of my needs for love and companionship. I've dated...I've blogged about my unsuccessful dates at times. And when I finally said "I just don't much care anymore if I meet someone for the long-term, I just want to have fun and enjoy my life," he appeared. I did a few things early on to dispel the notion of this relationship becoming serious. But for whatever reasons, call it fate or destiny or chance (and I don't really believe in chance), we still connected, this man and I. And now, I have fallen completely and utterly head over heals in love with him. My fears of abandonment creep in now and then. I'm sure somewhere along the line my trust issues will also rear their ugly heads as well. This man is patient, and kind, and thoughtful and understanding...and he's like me in many, many ways. He's all about the communication, and he's all about having a huge heart with much love to give. I am so unbelievably thankful right now that his heart has been given to me. The person I am in this relationship is the person I want to be in a relationship. And it happens pretty damn easily. Wow. Just, wow.

And so this is Christmas. My son and I are happy and healthy, and we have an amazing new person in our lives...and the hope of not just SOME of my dreams, but ALL of my dreams coming true has been restored. Love, hope, peace...all in time for Christmas. Does it get any better than that?

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