Thursday, November 29, 2007

My Annual Review...An "A-ha" Moment

I just had my annual review at work and I don't know whether to laugh or cry just let this headache that is in my brain take over. I have been with my current company for 3.5 years. Until probably the past 7 months, it was a pretty hellish existence here. My former boss, for whatever reason, didn't seem to like me much. I thought I was paranoid for a long time. When I would ask him for feedback on what the issue was, he would actually yell at me and reduce me to tears (much to my own dismay). He left last December, and a senior QA engineer stepped up to be our manager. He stayed until May and then left for another opportunity. That's when my current boss took over as our manager.

My current boss has been here for many years but in a different role. The first thing he did today when we sat down to go over my review was ask me what the story was the past several years because my reviews from past years didn't at all reflect my work, my work ethic, who I am from what he has seen and he literally thought he was looking at the wrong review. He asked if I had become a completely different person in the past 6 months. In some ways I have, but not with regards to my work. So he knew there must be some kind of history there and wanted to ask me about it. I had to ask him first to confirm for me that what he was saying is that he is happy with my work, and not that my work quality is less than what he has read about in the past. He was astonished I even needed to ask.

Suffice it to say that basically, he validated my suspicions of my prior boss. It is apparent that not only did my prior boss not speak well of my skill or dedication, but that he went so far as to just about malign me to other departments in the organization. I thanked my current boss for having an open mind before forming his opinion of me and my work, and giving me the opportunity to show him who I am and what I am capable of.

So yes, this is all good...wonderful in fact. But it is seriously with tears in my eyes and my head pounding at how much shit I have dealt with in the past 3 years here that I think about all the validation he gave me.

Have you ever had those "a-ha" moments when you realize just how crappy you've allowed yourself to be treated, in so many ways, and while you're glad that you're not allowing it anymore, it breaks your heart that you thought so little of yourself for so long? That's what's going through my head right now. And I don’t know if the treatment I received before was due to being obese, but it has definitely crossed my mind.

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