Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Fear of Intimacy

Several years ago I came to the realization that I had some serious fears of intimacy. I've done a lot of work on those, I think, in therapy…at least as much work as I can without a partner. Someday, I will have a partner who is kind and understanding and I will work through that stuff that can only really be worked out through being in a relationship. But, because of that fear, it was so much easier to be fat and as such, never have anyone (i.e., men) pay me any attention. It was safer to just hide out under my fat. And I struggle with not hiding behind that fat anymore...I still don't really get much male attention so it hasn't become an issue as yet. But, I get plenty of female compliments and such...and plenty of male compliments that aren't flirtation...and I just graciously say thank you and do my best to accept and internalize it. We've worked damn hard to get here...as hard as it is sometimes to know we're being noticed, looked at, paid attention to, I think the more we accept it graciously the more used to it we become and the less foreign it feels. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

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