Saturday, November 17, 2007

Almost 100 lbs. Lost!

Down to 167 lbs. Almost 100 lbs. lost since my initial consult with Dr. B.

What would have been my mom’s 66th birthday just recently passed. It's only her second birthday since she died. I didn't talk to my brother or sister-in-law on her birthday, but I did remind my son that it would have been her birthday. Otherwise, no one mentioned it, which made me kind of sad. Today, I got an email from my mom's best friend from high school saying that she was thinking about us, knew it was mom's birthday this week, and wondered how we are doing. I have finally lost enough weight (and pudginess in my fingers) to be able to wear a ring that she gave me for my birthday several years ago. So now whenever I look at the ring, I think of her and it makes me smile. And today I thought about how proud she would be, and happy for me, that my WLS journey is going as well as it is. I just wanted to share my thoughts since most everyone else in my life kept the day pretty quiet yesterday.

Should we talk about sex? Yes, since surgery my sex drive has definitely been on the rise. But, alas, I do not have a significant other. Enter Friends With Benefits (FWBs). I was explaining this to someone else today...I am monogamous even in my FWBs relationships...for me, I have to have an emotional connection to feel comfortable enough to really enjoy sex...and then, all is good. I seem to be past the days where I could just hook up with someone. I used to be able to...but to be honest, I have found sex to be so much better when I'm comfortable and really care about the person. Even if it's not someone I'm dating but someone who is "just" a FWB, I have an emotional attachment to that person. It just works better for me that way. I know, I probably sound like a freak. Can't just hook up...been there and done that and I think hurt my heart one too many times because even despite my best efforts to remain somewhat emotionally detached, I always end up getting emotionally attached. So, now I just don't sleep with someone unless I have some emotional attachment and deep affection for him to begin with. There is only one person who has been an FWB for me in the past 4.5 years. One. Yup, that makes it monogamous for me.

With that said, I still have growing concerns about actually dating someone and the loose skin I’m beginning to notice on my belly and thighs and breasts. It’s hard for me to tell how much of my belly skin is the way it is because I was heavy and have lost weight, and how much is due to having had a baby. I have never been think post-partum, so I never knew what my belly looked like. I’ve seen way worse, but I’ve also seen better. As for the beautifully full round breasts I used to have? Well, to steal someone else’s phrase, they now look more like two lemons in tube socks. They are just not attractive now that they’re all deflated. Oh well…I’ll deal with it to feel better, have the energy I have…I’ll focus on my increased enthusiasm and activity level when the time comes instead of loose skin, and hopefully so will any partner I have.

The past few weeks I have been feeling extreme hunger within maybe half an hour to an hour after meals. I don't feel hungry immediately after eating, but it doesn't take long before I am wanting to eat again. I'm trying to determine if it’s genuine hunger or head hunger, though I and haven't caved to any cravings even when they are there. I just keep telling myself that if I start snacking, grazing, reintroducing refined carbs now, before I'm even at goal, my weight loss will be over for me, and I cannot go there. My son's Halloween candy is still beckoning me though I haven't caved.

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