Thursday, August 26, 2010

Returning to School

I'm feeling quite terrified about school, finances. Everything is done except for purchasing my books. I've done all the leg work, met all the pre-reqs. I never went to college full time. I was always working full time and attending school part-time...NYU and then Norwalk Community Technical College, both for nursing. And while I wouldn't say I bombed completely, I certainly didn't have great semesters all the time. Hell, even high school had some really, really low (and high) points. Some semesters were much, much better than others. And I've had the thought of "screw it, forget about school, just find yourself another job to make ends meet." But I know I won't be happy doing that.

I've made as many plans as I can for my son after school for the times I won't be here, and I'll be having to trust him to take a lot more responsibility for himself. That scares the absolute crap out of me. I know he can handle it...he's a good kid...but I'm torn with thinking that he's too young to have to handle it. That probably sounds mamby pamby, but he'll grow up soon enough. I think at times he borders on the spoiled, and that's my own fault though I'm trying to remedy that. Some things he lacks, that every child should have...and some things, he probably has in excess, more than any child needs. How do people who have raised productive, healthy, grown kids do that?

Part of my reason for wanting to change careers, aside from having wanted to pursue nursing long ago when I was a young adult is that it offers the flexibility for where I live, work, and the hours I work. Those things will be a lot more amenable to being available to my child and making ends meet. As Zachary gets older, the greater the outside influences are on him. All very normal...but I expect to be aware of them, to guide him when he needs it, and let him learn from his own mistakes (without totally effing up his life, lord knows we're all perfectly capable of doing that as adults without much assistance).

I guess I'm just rambling...I don't know how parents make it to the "finish line" with "good" kids who grown into good adults (that have always been good people)...I want mine to be one and mostly, I feel inept to manage my own life, let alone be responsible for the development of another's. There really is just a lot of crap in the world...staying focused on the good stuff? It's hard...I don't mean to sound like I'm whining...I guess I just think much too much. This isn't news to you though, if you've learned anything about me in the past few years, eh?


janene said...

Hi Amy, you might want to up the font size of your post, I managed to paste it into word and read it, but it's unreadable online!

Good luck with your studies, you're a brave women venturing into a new career and I hope it all works out for you.

Unfortunately I think parenting is something that you learn as you go along, using a mixture of your own instincts, experience and well-chosen advice from others to help guide you along the way. You can only do your best!

Amy said...

Hi Janene,

Yes, something funky was happening with the font...but I think I fixed it. If you refresh the page, it should display properly now. :)

Thank you for the encouragement. This whole parenting thing...we never know if we've done it right until they're all grown up...and even then, who knows...