Thursday, May 13, 2010

What A Week

Talk about feeling the gamut of emotions. I've been hyper, optimistic, elated, sad, numb, lonely, depressed, name it, I've felt it. I spent last week in a flurry of activity. Unemployment, school, triathlon training beginning, and a road trip to visit with friends. This week has been more of settling into my reality. Studying for my TEAS exam (on May 24th), actually beginning training sessions, sitting down with Tammy and figuring out "the plan" financially, and working on things I need to get in order for that. I still need to do research on grants and scholarships for school.

I feel good being a very active participant in making my future what I want it to be...but I have my moments of doubt and fear that it's realistic. The self-talk to pull myself out of those moments before I start to dwell is rampant...much better than the alternative. But yesterday, well, at least half of my day was just overwhelming to me emotionally. Baggage from the past gets stirred up by circumstances of the present. Without dealing with it, it just continues to weigh upon me and increases my doubt and negativity.

Over the past several years since my mom died, my brother and I have become much closer. It's taken a tremendous amount of effort on his part to earn my trust, admittedly. There's a lot of history there, and some of it we talk about. Yesterday, we talked about our shared history with our parents/family. I have therapy today, which is will give me an opportunity to process all that we talked about. One thing he said to me yesterday, that kind of took me by surprise, was that he only dealt with the harshness of one parent, our mom; I got it from both parents, and so it's no wonder really that I grew up to feel like no one in this world is ever going to actually love me unconditionally. Neither of the two people that we expect to do this for us growing up, did this for me. We were both neglected and abused...I just never really made the connection that it was different for us as kids...that one of us got more of it than the other, until yesterday.

I've doubted many of my own memories over the years. Wondered if I remembered things correctly, if I was exaggerating things in my mind. Every now and then, I get a nugget of validation from someone in my life who witnessed it all, experienced it along with me, even if only in seeing it from afar. They validate me...they assure me, it was real. I have tears in my eyes remembering what my brother told me yesterday. It is going to take a very, very special man to appreciate the woman that I am and all I have to offer. Maybe someday I will actually believe that in my heart. Until that day, I'm grateful for people who believe in me on my behalf.

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