Lots On My Mind

I have so much on my mind lately. I'll be changing roles within my company in the next several months. I'm feeling both excited and scared about the challenges and doing the job well. I have the greatest fears about being inadequate, letting people down, doing a poor job. Last week in therapy, I briefly talked about my feelings of being an imposter, thinking that someday everyone will realize that I'm not as bright as they think I am...that I've had them all adequately snowed/fooled for years. My therapist said we'll have to talk about that one more in-depth next time.

I've also been pondering changing my goal weight. When I first started pursuing weight loss surgery, I had in mind a goal of 125 to 130 lbs. It wasn't ideally where I wanted to be, but I knew I could be "happy" there, feel better, be fit, active, look normal. And then, when the weight loss started and seemed to go so well, I thought well maybe setting my ideal goal isn't such a bad thing, maybe I can attain it. For the past 2 months or so, my weight has been pretty stable. I have lost, at best, 3 lbs. The scale has reported my weight as anywhere between 124 and 128.5 lbs. My clothes fit, I'm healthy, feel well, have a normal BMI, look fit and trim (if not thin), so perhaps my original goal of 125 to 130 lbs. wasn't off the mark. I'm not willing to eat less or work more than I do now to lose more. If my weight stabilizes here, that will be fine. If I lose a little more, that's ok too. I've struggled with whether to officially change the goal as stated on my ticker and in FitDay. I know it sounds silly, but I feel like somehow, by changing it there I'm giving myself some kind of out, taking the easy way out. I know it's not rational. I'll be discussing it with Melinda and Ellen on Thursday, I think.

I've also been thinking quite a bit about my potential to have more children. As I get older, and I remain single (despite my best efforts), the reality of me meeting someone and adding on to my family becomes less and less likely. I have never done particularly well with hormonal birth control, and barrier methods have proven less than comfortable for me (latex and spermicide sensitivities). As a result, I am also having a consult with my OB/GYN on Thursday to discuss the possibility of getting an IUD. I have always read that I would not be viable candidate because of my previous tubal pregnancy. But, I'm going to ask because I'm not quite ready to consider tubal ligation...though I imagine it's something we will also discuss on Thursday while I'm there. And it makes me feel really sad.

Zachary has been having a really difficult time lately. Last week, he went into a complete meltdown about eating his dinner. That led to him being unable to calm himself down because he started thinking about (dwelling on) his size, his "friends" at school teasing him about his small stature, and he finally asked if I could please just help him calm down. I asked him how I could do that and he said "just say something nice to me." My heart broke for him. And we had a very long talk and cuddle session. We spoke about the importance of friends being kind to each other and treating each other well. A person who makes another person feel badly about himself is not really a friend. This was very distressing to Zachary since he considers some of these children who have said mean things to him to be his closest friends. From there, he went on to be upset about how he has only one friend who isn't mean to him. We talked more about that, and we listed all of the people who ARE good to him. I stressed the importance of him sticking with the people who treat him well, who are good to him, and that he does not deserve to be treated badly by anyone. I also gave him some strategies that I hope he will consider using when people do say and do mean things...because they will, that is how life is sometimes, unfortunately. But it made for a very sad evening for him, and as a result, for me.

Last night, as he was heading to bed, Zachary was telling me how lucky he is to have been born. I ask him why that is, and he said "well because usually people aren't born to people who aren't married, and you weren't married." I said "well actually lots of people have children when they aren't married. It's not the only way obviously, but there are many people who have children when they aren't married." Then he said he misses his dad and wishes he could spend more time with him. I asked him if he had told his dad that he would like to spend more time with him and he said no. I said "well, you could try having overnights again with daddy, and that would give you more time with daddy." He said that he didn't want that, that he meant more like he wanted a week. I said "well, we can talk to daddy about that too, but if you spent a week with daddy that would include overnights too." And then he said "I wish you and my dad had been married." I asked him why that was and he said "because then I could spend all the time with both of you, not so much time driving back and forth in the car. I'm really sad." I told him I understood that and I was sorry.

He's a deep little thinker, my little guy. He has asked lots of questions about things I would never have thought he'd ask at this age. I've always answered him honestly, and tried to deal with whatever feelings he had as a result. But it's hard sometimes...and it tugs at my heart strings.