Food Transgressions

Let's talk about transgressions...my food transgressions the past couple of days specifically. Monday night, Zachary and I went to dinner at Vinny T's. I had one piece of bread from the basket, torn into bits and dipped in olive oil. It's my "treat" when we go there. And it always helps to keep my digestive track running smoothly. For dinner, I ordered the gorgonzola, apple and walnut salad with grilled chicken on top. And of course Zachary and I had, in no time, eaten the entire head of roasted garlic (he's worse than I am these days at scooping out the cloves with his knife and eating them straight, not even spread on the bread). Anyway, when dinner arrived, I focused on eating my chicken first, and it was yummy. I didn't finish it all, but I worked on the salad (lettuce and cheese first). Lastly, I finished with the apples and walnuts. Yup, I ate the whole thing except for probably about 2 oz. of chicken. And I felt ill. Really, really ill.

At first it was just an overfull feeling (not pain, just really overfull). But then I started feeling really hot and sweaty. I thought "oh great, I'm going to dump...just great." We finished and we left the restaurant and went home after stopping quickly at Bed Bath and Beyond. I was doing ok except for the really gross overfull feeling. But I got more and more uncomfortable the more time passed. I got into pajamas (it was maybe 7 p.m.) and I asked Zachary to do the same. And then, I went to lay down on the couch beside where he was playing Guitar Hero...because I sure as heck wasn't capable of sitting upright. I felt that carb coma feeling...it actually feels like being ridiculously drunk/out of it, without the "good" part of being drunk. I cursed myself for eating the whole salad and the one piece of bread. An hour and a half after finishing dinner, I was still miserable. I told Zachary we were going to bed. He wasn't tired. Too bad, I said...I am incapable of staying up at this point and you can't stay up on your own. It's 8:30...you can read in bed but you need to be in bed." He complied. And I pretty much passed out. Unable to get comfortable because my stomach hurt, I don't know how I actually fell asleep (passed out is more like it), but I did. It was several hours before I woke up and realized that I finally felt better. Blech.

Fast forward to Tuesday evening and a work party/bbq at a coworker's home. I plan to eat clean. Some grilled chicken and some salad. Well, some events transpired at work late in the afternoon and so I indulged in about 2 oz. of a frozen mudslide drink when I first arrived at the party. It was enough that I felt it, but not too much, and I didn't want anymore. And I ate my chicken and steak and salad. And I had some potato salad. And then I had some of this dessert that had crushed vanilla wafers and pineapple and butter and whipped cream. And then, maybe an hour later, I ate the cupcake that Zachary had licked all the frosting off of. And about an hour after that, I started snacking on Doritos and some dip. And then, I felt really, really sick. Wishing I could just go in a corner and die somewhere for a few hours sick. After feeling that way for an hour, I took two Rolaids...which promptly made me finally sick and not much of anything came up but I could still taste the damn mudslide. And then, I started to feel less queasy. Finally. And then, my blood sugar started to crash and I had to eat an apple to keep from feeling like I would pass out. Then, we went home and went to bed. It was late, I was spent, and disgusted with myself and grateful for my tool.

This morning I woke still feeling queasy and with a pounding headache. It was as though I had a killer hangover, from 2 oz. of mudslide. Even the protein drink I opted for this morning for breakfast didn't feel good going down. My tummy has recovered throughout the day, and I've eaten "cleanly" all day. And I've thanked my lucky stars for this tool I have to remind me just how crappy it feels to abuse my body with food. Alcohol isn't the issue...I don't miss drinking, wasn't drinking really before I had surgery. But now? Well, I just see no use for it in my life ever. None. Thankfully. It's an easy choice.

Food, on the other hand, I'm sure there will be other days that my demons come to haunt me. I likely will cave to temptation again at some point. I hope it's a good long time from now though...and that's up to me. Because I want it to feel this cruddy again. The validation that I made the right choice in having RNY is wonderful. As cruddy as my body feels today (and last night and the night before), it really is a validating experience.