Dreaming

Amazing things can happen when you believe in your dreams. I may post 364 days of negativity for the next year after this...I don't plan to, but anything can happen. But today? My gosh, everything today was gold.

To begin, it was Zachary's 11th birthday...i.e., the 11th anniversary of me becoming a mom (as his step-mom reminded me this morning). This little boy is the smartest, sweetest, kindest human being I have ever met in my life...and I'm so incredibly blown away by the fact that he's mine. His gift to this world is/will be profound, I know it. His very existence has made my life worthwhile. I told him this morning, as I cuddled him in bed at 7 a.m., that he taught me about love in ways I never knew, and I told him just how amazing he has made my life.

Zachary's wish for his birthday was not for gifts, but for hope. He asked that his friends make a donation to The Animal Rescue League of Boston and Heifer International on his behalf. His delight when they did just that was uncontainable. How do you make a momma happy? Make her child happy.

I had an interview today at a hospital that went extremely well and was a great boost to my self-esteem. In addition, I was notified today that the student member story about my career choice, which I submitted to the AARC Times (the American Association for Respiratory Care Times, the national publication for Respiratory Therapists) after one of my instructors encouraged me to write about, was being published in an upcoming issue.

We visited with friends today, and Zachary heard from friends and family alike. Nope, really, it doesn't get better than this. Dare to dream...because dreaming can make it real. Thank you God, for giving me this blessed day.

Fresh Start

I went for a really nice brisk walk/jog today. Just about 3.5 miles, in about 58 minutes. No, not speedy, but considered brisk to very brisk. It kept my heart rate between 130 and 150...so that's decent. And I got on the scale today (after breakfast, after drinking water and my walk, so I expect to check it again tomorrow morning and have it be a little lower than it was now). 175 lbs. *sigh* And I am journaling my food again. If I got back to 135? I'd be happy at this point. Delighted at 125 to 130 (my lowest post-op was 117, and I don't need or want to go there again), but 135 would feel good. And the alcohol? Well, that just needs to stop, period. When it comes to exercise, I'm really good at making the unsustainable sustainable until I'm injured, and then I can't do anything. Given my knee, ankle and hip issues, I need to find something that will keep me healthy and fit without making me unable to do anything. So for now, my goal is a good healthy walk 4 times a week...maybe even 5. Here goes nothing.

The Finishing Stretch

It's been a while...just over a year, actually. I completed my third semester of Respiratory Care and will graduate May 24, 2012. It's hard to believe it's close to two years since I was laid off and changed career directions. School has been an awesome challenge and has led to so much growth personally, intellectually, and to be honest, waist-line wise. Regain has become a very difficult issue for me to contend with.

After the triathlon in August 2010, when I fractured my ankle, exercise became more of a challenge than ever. Coupled with school demands, mothering demands, and financial demands, it basically came to a complete halt. I'm fat again...and it hurts in so many ways. My self-confidence has taken the biggest hit, and I find myself wanting to hide from people again...except in the professional sense because I can't. My peers (classmates) and educators, as well as patients, require my physical presence. But for all those who haven't seen me in a while? Well, I'm content to not make dates to get together.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I have not had my regularly scheduled annual post-op visits. I have not maintained appointments with Heart and Wellness, though I've run into Melinda a few times at Union Hospital where I do my clinical. I try to tell myself that it will be different once school is over and there is an income again, and it's not so much nose-to-the-grindstone with school work. But, I don't know if I'm just kidding myself. In my loneliness, I've resorted to both food and alcohol for comfort and companionship...and I haven't quite figured how to get myself out.