Purpose

Here I sit...struggling with a knot in my stomach that extends from my hips to my neck. I don't know whether to cry...I don't know that I really want to talk about it either...but I know it feels awful. And it also feels kind of numb at the same time. I also know that it's coming from fear. I feel as though I've failed in this area of my life sometimes. I get the feeling that people look at me and think I have my life so together. Well guess what? I don't.

Inside, sometimes I feel like a complete and total wreck. In fact, I feel like that a great deal of the time. But I think I've become a pretty good actress in that externally, people don't usually see that. If it gets so bad that it actually starts to spill out, well, I'm already at the point where I'm not sure how to keep pushing through. I don't actively seek ways to hurt myself, but I don't deny that I have those times when not waking up or an accident happening doesn't actually sound like respite.

There are days when I literally cannot stop the tears from flowing from my eyes while I sit quietly at my desk at work. I hide in my cube...I don't want anyone to see me this way because it's obvious that I'm hurting and if I start to talk about it at all, I'll completely fall apart. I've pushed a few people away when they've noticed the tears in my eyes and they've asked what's wrong. All I can do is say nothing and walk briskly away to splash cold water on my face. I still fear that I'm going to start crying and lose control and never regain it again. And if that happens, I'll end up back in the hospital and lose my child. I still have nightmares/dreams about being back in the hospital. I have at least a few of them each month. In those dreams, my child's care is always of great concern to me...who has him...where does he think I am...will I ever see him again.

I am tired of battling this crap in my life. I am angry that after so many years of therapy there is pain, there is daily battling my demons, my fears, my insecurities. They are all still there...despite years and years of therapy. Despite opening myself up to people. Despite trying to have a positive outlook. Despite trying to remain a person who has hopes and dreams. Despite talking to myself in my own head to talk myself OUT of these places. It is still a daily battle...and I'm really, really worn out and I feel beaten down. It is a lot of work and diligence. Sometimes I just don't want to work at it anymore.

I watch my son struggling with his own depression and I feel like I've cursed him. That all of his anxieties and worries are all my fault. Despite my best efforts to fix myself so that he may grow up healthy, I failed. Great, now by my very existence, I've hurt his life. I don't know how to reckon with that guilt.

When I feel crappy, and it starts to spill out, my insecurities about people loving me come out in full force. It's like "shit, they'll see the REAL me and realize that I'm this needy, clingy person who makes them absolutely insane and annoys them and they want to ditch as quickly as possible. How could I have ever believed that anyone could actually love me? What a fool I am!" It takes such tremendous effort NOT to allow my thoughts to stay there. I know that if I let the thoughts go there, well, the abyss will just get deeper and darker. I try to focus on how my experiences might help someone else. And when I feel like I'm a failure at even that, it seems like working through all this crap in my life has been for naught. I have nothing to offer...nothing of any value to anyone...least of all the people I really care about. If I can't be here for anyone else, what purpose do I even have here at all? I guess I still have a whole lot to learn about letting go.