It's been since sometime in 1999 that I had a BMI that was in the "normal" range. This morning though, with my weekly weigh-in, I hit a BMI of 24.9. I'm still having that kind of "wow" feeling. What's more is I keep thinking "and I will always be keeping it in the 'normal' range from here on out." I know that folks struggle with regain and such...I'm not in denial about that possibility, but I am refusing to accept that possibility for myself because that is within my control.
It's Monday. I'm sleepy and tired. I stayed up too late watching the end of a movie and now I'm paying for it today. It will definitely take every ounce of motivation I have to get my butt down to the gym today, but I know that I'll feel better afterwards for having done it. I just have to stay focused on that. And it will likely help my energy level this afternoon too...maybe I'll even go down as early as 11 and then be done by 12. :)
I saw both of my neurologists last week. The neuropathy in my foot/ankle has improved/stabilized. I still have pain, but it isn't really keeping me from being active at this point, it's just a nuisance more than anything. So, I won't see that neuro unless I need to. My other neuro, for my migraines, I see him once a year at this point because things are pretty stable there as well. I still get migraines, but they have stayed much less frequent than they used to be. We talked about my dosage of the propanalol and he said I could try cutting it back to once a day if I wanted and see how that worked. What I opted for instead was to split the tablet in two and take half in the a.m. and half in the p.m. and see how that goes. If the migraines stay at the same level they are now, I'll stick with that dosage. They were both really very positive about how healthy I am now (one said "this is the healthiest I have ever seen you"). That felt really good.
Oh, and my bum surgery is scheduled for April 15th. Yes, all kinds of jokes can be made about pulling things out of my bum considering it's tax day, but I don't owe the IRS any money so we won't go there. :)
About Me
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
More Pictures
I took these today...I just really liked the outfit and how I felt in it. I felt normal in size, proportion, body, and I felt like I looked casually good. I haven't really felt very put together sometimes, and I did feel that way wearing this. So, here are the pics. :)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I Really Do Love Dr. B
And Annie. I haven't talked about something here because, well, it's kind of embarrassing. I've talked about it (what seems) endlessly on OH's RNY forum because I know from people's posts and replies that they too have endured what I've been experiencing for the past 7+ years. I have a chronic anal fissure (a tear in my rectum). There, I said it. And suffice it to say, it just bites. It was diagnosed shortly after my son was born (and probably came into being because of my efforts to push him out during childbirth). We've tried all kinds of non-surgical treatments, and it would heal, and then re-open, and heal and re-open.
When I was about 6 weeks post-op, I had a really bad bout with constipation. I saw Dr. Buckley and that is when I got started on Enulose syrup (in addition to daily Colace, 100 oz. or more of water daily, regular exercise, a very high fiber diet, and yogurt and probiotics daily). We agreed that the fissure couldn't be dealt with until the constipation was resolved. I'd like to say that I've been pretty "stable" with regards to pooping since that time. However, even with regular bathroom habits, the darn thing has re-opened after trying to heal at least 3 more times. About 8 weeks ago, it re-opened badly and has bled rather profusely after every BM every single day since. It has gotten to the point where I am in pain for 8 or 9 hours after a BM. If you can imagine what it feels like to pass shards of glass through your rectum, well, that's how this feels to me, or how I imagine it would feel since I've never actually passed shards of glass. So, I bit the bullet and went back to my GI guy. He wanted to re-evaluate the fissure just to make sure it wasn't really colitis or Crohn's. I had my third flexible sigmoidoscopy last Friday. My colon is very healthy...pristine, he declared. But, there is the problem of the fissure and the scarring that has developed as a result of healing and re-opening so many times. He referred me for a rectal surgery consult. The rectal surgeon he recommended is in the same practice as Dr. B. However, his schedule made it impossible for me to get in to see him in less than 2 months.
I realize that people may be thinking "well, you've had the thing for 7 years, what's 2 more months?" Understand a little about who I am...I will go as long as I possibly can before I seek help for a physical ailment. I'm a single mom without a lot of family support locally. The idea of having to deal with this and likely schedule another surgery, even a quick day procedure, is somewhat daunting. For me to have gotten to this point, well, I am already at the point where I just can't take anymore and waiting even 2 more months is inconceivable to me. That's 2 more months of passing shards of glass out my bum. No thank you.
Gratefully, Dr. B. was able to see me much sooner, and so I saw him tonight (thank you Annie!). He has such an easy manner; he explained what would need to be done, what I could expect for recovery, and of course he asked about how I was doing with my RNY and such. He talked with my son, and helped him look for what was "wrong" in the picture of the Highlights Magazine my son was looking at. You know, it's not just that Dr. B. is a doctor in this area who performs bariatric surgery. He's a great doctor. I was just reminded of all the reasons why I felt so confident putting my life and future in his hands with my RNY. He hasn't let me down. Ever. He's the best.
Can I just say how excited I am about the prospect of pain-free pooping? :)
When I was about 6 weeks post-op, I had a really bad bout with constipation. I saw Dr. Buckley and that is when I got started on Enulose syrup (in addition to daily Colace, 100 oz. or more of water daily, regular exercise, a very high fiber diet, and yogurt and probiotics daily). We agreed that the fissure couldn't be dealt with until the constipation was resolved. I'd like to say that I've been pretty "stable" with regards to pooping since that time. However, even with regular bathroom habits, the darn thing has re-opened after trying to heal at least 3 more times. About 8 weeks ago, it re-opened badly and has bled rather profusely after every BM every single day since. It has gotten to the point where I am in pain for 8 or 9 hours after a BM. If you can imagine what it feels like to pass shards of glass through your rectum, well, that's how this feels to me, or how I imagine it would feel since I've never actually passed shards of glass. So, I bit the bullet and went back to my GI guy. He wanted to re-evaluate the fissure just to make sure it wasn't really colitis or Crohn's. I had my third flexible sigmoidoscopy last Friday. My colon is very healthy...pristine, he declared. But, there is the problem of the fissure and the scarring that has developed as a result of healing and re-opening so many times. He referred me for a rectal surgery consult. The rectal surgeon he recommended is in the same practice as Dr. B. However, his schedule made it impossible for me to get in to see him in less than 2 months.
I realize that people may be thinking "well, you've had the thing for 7 years, what's 2 more months?" Understand a little about who I am...I will go as long as I possibly can before I seek help for a physical ailment. I'm a single mom without a lot of family support locally. The idea of having to deal with this and likely schedule another surgery, even a quick day procedure, is somewhat daunting. For me to have gotten to this point, well, I am already at the point where I just can't take anymore and waiting even 2 more months is inconceivable to me. That's 2 more months of passing shards of glass out my bum. No thank you.
Gratefully, Dr. B. was able to see me much sooner, and so I saw him tonight (thank you Annie!). He has such an easy manner; he explained what would need to be done, what I could expect for recovery, and of course he asked about how I was doing with my RNY and such. He talked with my son, and helped him look for what was "wrong" in the picture of the Highlights Magazine my son was looking at. You know, it's not just that Dr. B. is a doctor in this area who performs bariatric surgery. He's a great doctor. I was just reminded of all the reasons why I felt so confident putting my life and future in his hands with my RNY. He hasn't let me down. Ever. He's the best.
Can I just say how excited I am about the prospect of pain-free pooping? :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Long Term Support Group...a Milestone For Me
Since I first started looking into surgery, attending the Long Term Support Group was like this mile marker in my mind of how far I had come. Last night, I attended my first monthly Long Term Support Group, now that I am 8 months or more post-op. I have to say, I loved it. It was a much smaller, more intimate group, and I was pretty pleased/impressed with the longevity of the folks who are there still attending. I felt kind of silly mentioning it to Martha and Kevin later after the meeting (and yes Kevin, mentioning you by name is payback for you mentioning in the general support group that I have a blog here, I know you'll read it! :) ). But, well, this is second longest I've ever maintained positive eating habits and lifestyle changes. I've done it once before, for about a year and a half. I have it in my mind that my next "milestone" will be making it to two years and still living a healthy lifestyle. I know I can and will do it...at least that's what I keep telling myself because negativity will get me nowhere. Yes, I have those little thoughts that creep into my head about failing, yet again. But I have to remind myself that this is different, I have the help of the tool to get through those rough patches. I just have to remember to use it. We tried some new yummies last night that Melinda brought in. Some would be very dangerous for me to have around the house, but others were really nice changes of pace from what we have as staples here. Zachary loved them all too...always a plus. He's become such a healthy foodie. :) He reads labels, asks what's good in terms of nutritional values, etc. I'm glad he's learning early on about healthy nutrition.
Zachary and I pulled into our parking lot and as I got out of the car I said "don't forget your backpack" to which he looked at me horrified. The backpack had been forgotten at the conference room at the hospital. I thought he was joking. I looked at him and said "you're kidding me, right?" Nope, he wasn't. So off we raced, back to the hospital to hopefully retrieve the backpack which contained his markers, his notebook, his homework, his Nintendo DS Lite and his library of games. On our way there, he's crying and telling me how much he hates himself for forgetting it. So we had a chat about how EVERYONE makes mistakes, forgets things, and of course he asks when I ever do that. I do it all the time...could I remember a specific instance to give him? I think I created one that is very viable and probably did happen, but I think I do stuff all the time...so much so that I take it with a grain of salt. This little boy is very, very hard on himself. Sounds like someone else I know. The doors were looked to the building when we got there, and the tears started to flow for Zachary. But a security guard was walking by just then, and asked what we needed, so I explained the situation and he said "well, let's take a look and see." We went inside, and in the conference room on the chair, right where we had left it, was Z's backpack. :) All was good and right with the world, though it still took him a few minutes to settle down.
It made me think about how hard we can be on ourselves in some ways, and yet in denial in others. I can look at pictures of myself at my heaviest weight and feel like that's not even me...even though I can remember how it felt to lay down at night and feel like the fat around my neck was choking me, making it difficult to breathe and sleep. I could ignore or deny something so obvious as my eating and my size...yet be so hard on myself in so many other ways. I think the lesson I'm trying to take out of this experience is that there is a great need to be honest with oneself while being kind to oneself as well. They don't have to be mutually exclusive things though, at least I don't think so. I have counseling tonight with Pat, so I think I'll mention this to her as something to talk about.
Zachary and I pulled into our parking lot and as I got out of the car I said "don't forget your backpack" to which he looked at me horrified. The backpack had been forgotten at the conference room at the hospital. I thought he was joking. I looked at him and said "you're kidding me, right?" Nope, he wasn't. So off we raced, back to the hospital to hopefully retrieve the backpack which contained his markers, his notebook, his homework, his Nintendo DS Lite and his library of games. On our way there, he's crying and telling me how much he hates himself for forgetting it. So we had a chat about how EVERYONE makes mistakes, forgets things, and of course he asks when I ever do that. I do it all the time...could I remember a specific instance to give him? I think I created one that is very viable and probably did happen, but I think I do stuff all the time...so much so that I take it with a grain of salt. This little boy is very, very hard on himself. Sounds like someone else I know. The doors were looked to the building when we got there, and the tears started to flow for Zachary. But a security guard was walking by just then, and asked what we needed, so I explained the situation and he said "well, let's take a look and see." We went inside, and in the conference room on the chair, right where we had left it, was Z's backpack. :) All was good and right with the world, though it still took him a few minutes to settle down.
It made me think about how hard we can be on ourselves in some ways, and yet in denial in others. I can look at pictures of myself at my heaviest weight and feel like that's not even me...even though I can remember how it felt to lay down at night and feel like the fat around my neck was choking me, making it difficult to breathe and sleep. I could ignore or deny something so obvious as my eating and my size...yet be so hard on myself in so many other ways. I think the lesson I'm trying to take out of this experience is that there is a great need to be honest with oneself while being kind to oneself as well. They don't have to be mutually exclusive things though, at least I don't think so. I have counseling tonight with Pat, so I think I'll mention this to her as something to talk about.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The Meanness of People...Starting With Kids
My son went to a friend's birthday party today at a laser tag place. And the packs the kids wear are really quite large and heavy...way too large and heavy for a 7 year old who is on the small side. Zachary is about 45 inches tall and weighs 41 lbs. He ended up leaving the first round of tag just before it was over. As he came out, I could tell he was fighting the tears and basically said that he just didn't feel well. I knew there was more to it than that but he wasn't opening up about it at that time. He chose not to go in for the second round of tag with all of his friends, even though I offered to wear the pack and go with him.
On the way home in the car, he asked me if he looks like he's in 1st grade. I said "well yes, you do." He said that he doesn't think he does, because he's so small. I asked him what on earth would make him think that, and he said that other kids tell him he's small all the time, tell him he's too little to do things that he CAN do. As he's telling me this, his voice is starting to crack and I know he's trying not to cry. Apparently, he's being teased at school in his class and in the after school program about being so small and little.
We had quite a talk about how people in general can be mean about the dumbest things, like a person's size or color or other attribute over which they have no control. We talked about how his uncle (my brother) was also really little at the same age and how he would likely understand exactly how Zachary feels. I shared with him how people have treated me differently based on whether I was thin or fat. And I shared with him the story of how when I was in 1st and 2nd grade, there was another little girl in my class who used to tease me and call me fat and tell me I was a pig until I was reduced to tears, and then she would go and tell the teacher I was crying and had no idea why. She tortured me for 2 years this way. The bottom line was that regardless of my size or weight, I was still the same person inside...my heart and mind were still the same, and I didn't treat people any better or worse or differently just because of the size of my body. So anything they could say or do to me doesn't speak to the heart of who I am. But to say it doesn't hurt? That would be ridiculous.
He is such a sensitive little soul. I want him to realize that other people who do this are really just not being kind and that the things they say have no real bearing on who he is as a person...his heart and mind are still just as good as anyone else's. How do other parents handle this stuff with their kids?
My mom and I used to have these talks about how much I build him up. She was always afraid that somehow it would make him arrogant or egotistical to be bestowing "too much" praise upon him. I told her "the way I see it, the rest of the world will do it's damnedest to tear him down at times, so it's my job to build him up enough that when that happens, he still stands tall and knows that who he is is wonderful." I believe that now more than ever.
Momma bears are fierce. Don't mess with their cubs.
On the way home in the car, he asked me if he looks like he's in 1st grade. I said "well yes, you do." He said that he doesn't think he does, because he's so small. I asked him what on earth would make him think that, and he said that other kids tell him he's small all the time, tell him he's too little to do things that he CAN do. As he's telling me this, his voice is starting to crack and I know he's trying not to cry. Apparently, he's being teased at school in his class and in the after school program about being so small and little.
We had quite a talk about how people in general can be mean about the dumbest things, like a person's size or color or other attribute over which they have no control. We talked about how his uncle (my brother) was also really little at the same age and how he would likely understand exactly how Zachary feels. I shared with him how people have treated me differently based on whether I was thin or fat. And I shared with him the story of how when I was in 1st and 2nd grade, there was another little girl in my class who used to tease me and call me fat and tell me I was a pig until I was reduced to tears, and then she would go and tell the teacher I was crying and had no idea why. She tortured me for 2 years this way. The bottom line was that regardless of my size or weight, I was still the same person inside...my heart and mind were still the same, and I didn't treat people any better or worse or differently just because of the size of my body. So anything they could say or do to me doesn't speak to the heart of who I am. But to say it doesn't hurt? That would be ridiculous.
He is such a sensitive little soul. I want him to realize that other people who do this are really just not being kind and that the things they say have no real bearing on who he is as a person...his heart and mind are still just as good as anyone else's. How do other parents handle this stuff with their kids?
My mom and I used to have these talks about how much I build him up. She was always afraid that somehow it would make him arrogant or egotistical to be bestowing "too much" praise upon him. I told her "the way I see it, the rest of the world will do it's damnedest to tear him down at times, so it's my job to build him up enough that when that happens, he still stands tall and knows that who he is is wonderful." I believe that now more than ever.
Momma bears are fierce. Don't mess with their cubs.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
My H&W Appointment
We reviewed my 8-month labs and all is well. My labs overall look really good. My iron isn't "low," but it's on the very low side of normal, and because I've been feeling so fatigued we're going to try upping it to every day and see if that helps with the fatigue I've been feeling/fighting. There are some other minor things but overall they said I look good on paper. And after much discussion with Melinda about my bathroom habits and difficulties, we are upping my vitamin C to 1000 mg daily, as well as adding 50 mg of zinc daily in hopes it will help with some of my bowel troubles. Melinda also called me later and said after reviewing my food journal, I may want to back off of some of the insoluble fiber in my diet as that could be irritating the fissures I have. I've had them for over 7 years now, and for the past few months I have had daily bleeding (not just a teeny amount) and horrible pain with every bowel movement that persists throughout the day well after going to the bathroom. As Melinda and I both agreed that "pooping should be a joyful experience that you just kind of go "ahhh" afterwards," what I'm experiencing will just not cut it long term. I've had enough of this. So, we agreed that I will try the zinc and vitamin C, as well as backing off the insoluble fiber, and if that means needing to use the Enulose syrup daily for a little while to get these things to heal, so be it. I also have a call in to the GI guy I saw many years ago who first diagnosed the fissures to see what he suggests. I just really have had enough of the pain and bleeding.
We took measurements today and both Melinda and Ellen were very happy with my progress. My next appointment with them is scheduled for 4 months from now...so I'll be just over a year out then. It's hard for me to believe just how quickly these past 8 months (heck, the past year since I started risk reduction) have gone. I don't remember all of the numbers, but I've lost I believe somewhere around 25 to 30 inches between my hips and waist, my body fat percentage is obviously down significantly (it was 28 something today, and I can't remember what it was when I was there in January 2007, but I think it was in the upper 40s). Without shoes on, I weighed 139.1 on their scale.
Strangely enough, after such a good visit I feel like I should feel really good...and I do. But in all honesty, the fatigue I'm feeling today is just way too much. I have felt ready for bed since I got up this morning. I hope to get to bed early tonight. I know I've been dreaming a lot lately and last night's dreams were not particularly pleasant.
You know what really makes me laugh? People who look at me and say "guys must be pounding down your door." Um, nope, they aren't. And I'm very frustrated by that. And sad about it. Makes me wonder just what is wrong with me that I don't attract potential partners. I haven't been asked out on a single date since my surgery. Not that it should have changed everything in my world, but I would have hoped that my more "normal" body size and shape would at least not deter men from approaching me. I wonder sometimes if I will just be alone/partnerless the rest of my life. I think I could certainly handle that...but it would make me very sad.
I've always thought that was something inherently unlovable/unpartnerable about me. Over the years I've gotten lots of reassurance from people I trust and respect that no, there's nothing inherently wrong with me. But for me, it's like "the proof is in the pudding." And for me, there is no pudding, and there is no proof. I've heard "it will happen when you least expect it," I've heard "when you aren't looking," or "stop looking or trying so hard." Let me just say, I've tried it from every approach and I find it a miracle sometimes that I ever met someone and lived with him and conceived a child with him...it shocks me that someone apparently wanted to be with me even that long. Yeah, I guess today I'm down on the whole topic of dating and men. I don't always feel this way. But lately it's wearing thin. I want to enjoy my life, I want to be out and active and doing things with old and new friends alike...and I am doing that as much as possible. But in some ways, the dating ways, I feel incredibly stagnant. I think regular nookie would do wonders for my mood. :)
We took measurements today and both Melinda and Ellen were very happy with my progress. My next appointment with them is scheduled for 4 months from now...so I'll be just over a year out then. It's hard for me to believe just how quickly these past 8 months (heck, the past year since I started risk reduction) have gone. I don't remember all of the numbers, but I've lost I believe somewhere around 25 to 30 inches between my hips and waist, my body fat percentage is obviously down significantly (it was 28 something today, and I can't remember what it was when I was there in January 2007, but I think it was in the upper 40s). Without shoes on, I weighed 139.1 on their scale.
Strangely enough, after such a good visit I feel like I should feel really good...and I do. But in all honesty, the fatigue I'm feeling today is just way too much. I have felt ready for bed since I got up this morning. I hope to get to bed early tonight. I know I've been dreaming a lot lately and last night's dreams were not particularly pleasant.
You know what really makes me laugh? People who look at me and say "guys must be pounding down your door." Um, nope, they aren't. And I'm very frustrated by that. And sad about it. Makes me wonder just what is wrong with me that I don't attract potential partners. I haven't been asked out on a single date since my surgery. Not that it should have changed everything in my world, but I would have hoped that my more "normal" body size and shape would at least not deter men from approaching me. I wonder sometimes if I will just be alone/partnerless the rest of my life. I think I could certainly handle that...but it would make me very sad.
I've always thought that was something inherently unlovable/unpartnerable about me. Over the years I've gotten lots of reassurance from people I trust and respect that no, there's nothing inherently wrong with me. But for me, it's like "the proof is in the pudding." And for me, there is no pudding, and there is no proof. I've heard "it will happen when you least expect it," I've heard "when you aren't looking," or "stop looking or trying so hard." Let me just say, I've tried it from every approach and I find it a miracle sometimes that I ever met someone and lived with him and conceived a child with him...it shocks me that someone apparently wanted to be with me even that long. Yeah, I guess today I'm down on the whole topic of dating and men. I don't always feel this way. But lately it's wearing thin. I want to enjoy my life, I want to be out and active and doing things with old and new friends alike...and I am doing that as much as possible. But in some ways, the dating ways, I feel incredibly stagnant. I think regular nookie would do wonders for my mood. :)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Silly Excited
Sometimes I feel ridiculously silly about this, but I get really excited for my visits with Melinda and Ellen at Heart and Wellness. They are both positive, understanding people who know what I've been through physically and emotionally and they help me keep a great perspective. They're also a huge source of support and positive reinforcement for all I've been doing and working on. I guess in many ways I'm still just an approval junkie and I thrive on getting their approval when I know I've been doing what I should be doing. It's nice to get those kudos...I need them and they give them. I'm also pretty eager to review my labs and hopefully get some insight into the fatigue I've been feeling. If there's some way I can adjust my eating, supplements or routine that will help, I'm all for that. I honestly feel like I could just sleep all the time lately. Maybe it's winter blahs, but I think it may be a little more than that. We'll see.
I'm also really glad it's "hump" day. Work has been a little trying this week. As my boss put it yesterday, I've been the "rubber band" this week in terms of changing priorities. From the time I walked in Monday morning and a coworker asked me what I was working on, A or B, and I said neither because I didn't know about either and was just learning then that A and B were competing priorities, to yesterday when we had our staff meeting where more venting went down about lip service from upper management, I'm ready for this week to be over. Really ready.
Tonight I take Zachary to see the new counselor. I'm feeling optimistic about that. I hope this is someone who can really help Zachary with some coping skills. Pat gave me some really positive feedback last night about how great it is to be addressing these anxiety issues with him productively, helping him get some coping skills, while he's young so it won't impact him as much. I hope she's right. I don't want him to have a childhood full of anxiety.
I'm also really glad it's "hump" day. Work has been a little trying this week. As my boss put it yesterday, I've been the "rubber band" this week in terms of changing priorities. From the time I walked in Monday morning and a coworker asked me what I was working on, A or B, and I said neither because I didn't know about either and was just learning then that A and B were competing priorities, to yesterday when we had our staff meeting where more venting went down about lip service from upper management, I'm ready for this week to be over. Really ready.
Tonight I take Zachary to see the new counselor. I'm feeling optimistic about that. I hope this is someone who can really help Zachary with some coping skills. Pat gave me some really positive feedback last night about how great it is to be addressing these anxiety issues with him productively, helping him get some coping skills, while he's young so it won't impact him as much. I hope she's right. I don't want him to have a childhood full of anxiety.
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