Daily Tarot Card Reading

Love this one, which came up for me today.

The Sun
The Sun This card signifies a time of clarity and power. The Sun will offer light and warmth after a dark time in your life. It is a sign of rejuvenation and growth, and shows that you are starting to flourish in your current situation. The Sun is associated with happiness, growth and good fortune. Your path has been illuminated and good fortune is on its way.

Yes, I'm ready for the good fortune and growth.

Plastics Consult and Mother's Day

I had my plastic surgery consult on Friday. We discussed my sagging and deflated breasts, my Sharpei-like breast and tummy, my thighs, my buttocks, and my face. All of the possible procedures were explored, questions were asked, and costs were estimated. And then, I went home with my head spinning with so much information that I needed to digest and process. I didn't do this alone though; I talked to some friends who've both had and not had plastic surgery...people who have known me fat and thin to be aware of the changes my body and face have gone through. In many ways, I have my own body dysmorphia to contend with and so I need to rely a little bit on external honest sources to help evaluate my appearance.

I've made some decisions...at least for now. The most visible part of my body to others is my face. I've lost a lot of facial fat. To me, this has made my face look hard and angular. But to others, the perception of my face is classic and healthy and athletic looking. Not gaunt or sickly. I'm going to try and sit with that one for a bit. As for my breasts, well, I would need both a lift and augmentation (implants) because a lift alone would leave me with essentially nothing. And if I had just implants, they would need to be fairly large to fill out the loose skin I have and beause the skin is so loose/has lost so much laxity, it can't really support that kind of implant without looking (in my opinion) awful. The thought of how I will age with those also crossed my mind. So for now, I'll settle for a good bra. My tummy...well, it's pretty gross (to me). But I can't justify the length of time off of work, out of my life, the cost, the risk, just to have a belly that looks good without clothing on.

The fact of the matter is, except for my face, all of my skin issues are invisible to the majority people because in clothing, I look great. It's only without clothes that any of these things is apparent. Hopefully, if some man comes into my life and gets close enough to see me naked, he won't be disgusted by what he sees. I also think that perhaps I have an unrealistic view of what women my age, who have had and nursed babies, look like after that. I think that while their tummies and breasts may not be quite like mine, they probably aren't nearly as different as I believe them to be in my head. Until such time as I really can't stand it anymore, I'm going to do nothing. I'm going to try and really be happy with my body and where I am in my journey.

Mother's day was, as it has been the past three years, a good and bittersweet day. I miss my own mom, despite our turbulent relationship. But I had such an awesome mother's day because of my own son. He cooked me dinner Saturday night (yes, yes he did and it was AWESOME!). He wrote me the most beautiful letter that is laminated and I will cherish forever. And his gift, wrapped in paper he decorated himself with his own artwork, was a lovely breakfast tray he decorated. How much better does it get than that?



We went to dinner with my brother, sister-in-law and her mom as well. Dinner was great. I overate, so I felt awful and then had a blood sugar drop on the ride home from NH. Thank goodness for Jolly Ranchers candies. I wonder sometimes if I will EVER stop doing stupid things like that, knowing how it makes me feel. I know, they didn't operate on our brains, only our tummies. It still frustrates me with myself to put myself in that position. My mistake was having too much bread with dinner. Ugh. Anyway, we all survived and it really was a lovely day and weekend.

And here is my beautiful boy this morning, before I woke him up. Those animals are his "friendship club" and the bulk of them are actually at the foot of the bed, not pictured. You can't see his sweet freckles in this picture, but they are getting darker and more prevalent on his nose and cheeks now that the days are nicer and we are outside more. Life is good, really.

Little Rays of Light

My son gives me more joy than anything on this Earth. Last night, one of those moments occurred that just made me feel like "yeah, I guess I'm doing okay with this parenting thing most of the time." I worry a great deal that I'm falling short (in case you hadn't noticed).

Zachary wanted to play Electronic Battleship. We've played many times before but never to completion of the game. I think he gets bored and quits...or he feels like he's going to lose and so he gives up. It's always frustrating to me because I want him to actually finish the game. Last night, we played. I had sunk 4 of his 5 ships. He had sunk 2 of mine. He said once that he didn't want to play anymore, and I said "come on, we're going to finish this game, you can do it."

Well, I had 1 ship of his left to find...the little patrol boat (requiring 2 hits). Not an easy find, could be anywhere. Suffice it to say that he kept at it and ended up winning the game. What a proud moment for me that he finished and I saw that huge beaming smile on his face to be called "admiral." I told him how proud I was of him for finishing, that it was his first time and I was really very pleased. He said "I only did it because of you." I asked him what he meant by that. He said "I only finished the game because you made me feel confident."

As my friend Dave would say, "BEAMIES." Yes, he gets it.

Anniversaries and Time

Three years ago today, it was a Friday...and it was the day my mom died. Each year I remember this day, obviously. This year though, I'm in such a different place that reflecting on the changes in the past three years is pretty intense. Zachary has started classifying some things in his life as "before Nana died" and "after Nana died" in terms of memories. It's obviously a big marker in time for him as well.

I had to take Zachary to the pediatrician that morning three years ago. And I had to take him to North Shore Children's Hospital after that to get blood work done. While we sat there waiting, I called mom's ICU nurse to check and see how she had done that night. The nurse wasn't able to talk to me then, and they suggested I call back in half an hour. I did just that, and found out why she hadn't been able to talk to me earlier. Mom hadn't had a particularly good night, and they had her on BI-PAP which helped. Then, they tried to take her off that, and her blood pressure and pulse oxygen plummeted, so they put her back on BI-PAP, to no avail. They moved on to C-PAP. She did better. At that point, I asked that her pulmonologist give me a call so I could get a better idea of her condition, prognosis, etc. Since mom had been in the hospital since Wednesday (and this was now Friday morning), I hadn't yet talked to any of her doctors, only her nurse.

Around lunch time, I called and checked my voice mail at home, and there was a message from the doctor there...I have no idea why as I had given both my work and cell phone numbers. But I called back and left a message for the doctor to return my call at work. About an hour later (just about 1 p.m.), the doctor called and instead of a progress report, I was beckoned to the hospital immediately. Mom had apparently taken a turn for the worse and had been intubated and we needed to get there now. I asked what had happened, since all that I knew was that she had pneumonia. They believed she had a massive blood clot that traveled to her lungs. I began sobbing as I made my way to my boss's office to let him know I had to leave. I couldn't even catch my breath, I was so taken off-guard. I called my brother's cell, got voice mail. So I called my sister-in-law's cell and told her to find him, reach him, and for them to meet me at the hospital.

When I arrived there, the chaplain was there. Never a good sign. They explained what all had happened, and that basically the next 12 hours would really be a good indication of how things would go. At about 5 p.m. they suggested we get some food while they changed her bedding. At about 6:15, as we choked down food at McDonald's, my cell phone rang and we were told to get back to the hospital ASAP. Mom had crashed several times and they were doing everything they could, but didn't think they could sustain her even at that level for much longer. They told us that even if by some miracle she came through it, her quality of life would be negligible. My brother and I made the decision for them to stop trying. And so, the medical personnel left the room, turned off the alarms, and monitored our mom from outside of the room while we stayed with her, talking to her, holding her hand. She wasn't conscious and hadn't been since they sedated her around lunch time to intubate her. At best, it was 15 minutes before the doctor came back in and let us know she was gone.

I made arrangements for Zachary to sleep at a friend's house that night and he was with his dad the next day. That gave me the evening to sort of regroup. His dad and I would tell him the next day when he came home. He was sad. I don't think he really understood what it meant. It was a solid 6 months before he broke down sobbing out of the blue one night in the car saying "I miss my Nana."

I think about the sports he's playing this spring, how he's doing in school, the kind of child he is, and I wonder how thrilled my mom would be to attend every game, practice, etc. that he plays in. She would surely be at every musical event at school, art show, open house, she would take any volunteer opportunity if it meant spending more time with Zachary. I know she would love doing homework with him, playing with him. She would have a much greater appreciation for his limited time as a small child than I feel like I'm having these days. I feel so caught up in a rat race that it is taking concerted effort to remember what is truly important in life.

Life feels very overwhelming right now to me. I've had a sinus headache/issue for over 4 weeks now. It's wearing me down physically and mentally. It's keeping me from working out as regularly and intensely as I would both like and need to. I'm eating more than I should. As a result, I'm seeing changes in my body and in the scale that I really don't like and want. And it has me feeling mildly panicked. Every day, I start new and remind myself that it is NEVER over, and I don't EVER have to give up this battle with food. I just need to keep doing my best. Right now, it feels kind of like my best isn't good enough in any area.

This too shall pass.

First 5K--Completed

Martha and I (and her hubby Kevin) ran in a 5K today in Ipswich. It was my first (not theirs). But all of us, having had WLS in the past 3 to 4 years, were pretty pleased with ourselves to run the entire thing and finish NOT in last place. This was NOT in my foreseeable future some 3 years ago, I can say that. With arthritis in my knees, hips, and ankles, and a Morton's Neuroma and neuropathy in my left foot/ankle, I never thought I'd be running again. But, with great shoes and glucosamine and a lot less weight on me, I guess it's possible.

Martha and I are going to do the "series" of runs (we have to complete 5 of 12 by December). Great motivation to keep going and have a friend to do it with. YEAH!

Here we are, at the finish line and post-race. Yes, those are very smug smiles on our faces. Seeing Zachary waiting for me, cheering me on at the finish line, waiting to high-five me, I don't think anything could have been better.

Pre-Race


At the Finish Line


Post-Race

Onward and Upward

On one of the OH boards today, someone commented on how this IS easy...easier than it has ever been. And so, she wondered "did I in fact take the easy way out?"

The losing part WAS easier (for me) with the surgery than it ever was before. It gave me the ability to manage my appetite and portions without constantly feeling deprived/hungry. I do (and have since being a pre-op) work out regularly at a pretty intense level. I also waited (not by choice) about 9 months from the time I started the process to have surgery to when I actually had my surgery and had many hoops to jump through for surgery to happen.

With that said, know that maintenace is a different ball game altogther...it's hard. Your ability to eat more, fall into old habits if not diligent, stop food journaling, not exercise, test the boundaries of tolerable foods more and more occurs as you get more comfortable with your new plumbing, in my opinion. That, combined with not having the losing of weight to motivate you and needing to find different motivation to keep on track, makes things more of a "head" game than a physical game. It is a difficult head game at that. But the head game ultimately affects the physical if we let it. And that, for me, has been much harder.

My goals have changed. I focus on staying physically in shape, keeping my body looking as good as it can and feeling as good as it can. That involves regular exercise and eating properly. I have definitely been struggling with this the past couple of months. I have felt physically and emotionally pretty cruddy as a result. My weight went over my "acceptable" (to me) 2 lb. fluctuation this week. That means that the indiscretions with food choices, amounts and not exercising must come to a halt. Period, end of story. I will NOT become obese again. No way, no how.

This Saturday, I will run my first 5K with Martha...she inspires me. I'm terrified...I am. Terrified that pain in my joints will completely hamper me. I need to stop thinking this way but it's hard. I first injured my knees back in 1997 running on pavement. I have had two knee surgeries since, and haven't run outdoors since then either. I have only trained indoors on a treadmill. But, this is a goal for me...one that I think is very worthwhile and will help keep me moving forward, focusing on the positive changes in my life since having RNY. It's all about the goals and motivation and finding what works over the long haul.

Big Step

I have always been pretty terrified of even considering plastic surgery as a post-op. I look fine in clothing. But out of clothing, my breasts are sadly very wrinkled and deflated and my belly is extremely wrinkled and deflated looking. There's not really any fat there left to fill it out. And while it isn't awful, it does bother me sometimes. I will wear form-fitting clothing and when I sit down, I still have rolls. My breasts are more or less rolled up into my bra. Lately, I have been thinking that I have just worked too hard working out, eating right, taking care of myself to still feel like I look fat (yes, sometimes that's how I feel when I see these rolls of skin). I know that I have fared better than many, many people with regards to skin issues. It still bothers me. Pictures follow at the end of the blog entry.

I have a friend who had a circumferential lower body lift post-WLS...and she had a lot of complications. She spent the better part of 8 months in and out of the hospital, lots of surgeries for necrotic tissue, etc. Being a single mother of a fairly young child still, the idea of this kind of recovery to begin with, let alone if I had a complication, has made plastic surgery something I would not even consider. But, more and more I have been thinking that it wouldn't hurt just to find out what my options are and what the cost would be.

So, today I called and scheduled a consult for an hour. May 8th. Can't hurt to ask, right? Better to be informed...always.