Weepy Days and PMDD

This month, I decided to try and NOT take my Lexapro for my PMDD to see how I do. I take a low dose for the one week before my period actually starts. This morning, suffice it to say I can tell that I'm not "right." I feel weepy, overwhelmed, tired and just generally too emotional for things not going on in my life. My life is pretty stable and quiet. It's good. There isn't really much for me to be feeling this way about, yet I feel like I could spend my day crying. At least (so far anyway) I haven't been having the horribly outrageous desire to eat everything in sight. Tomorrow morning I will taking my piddly 5 mg dose of Lexapro and see if it helps. I really hoped/thought that when the weight loss slowed down significantly, I'd handle my PMS better (not that I ever did in the past, but I was hoping). I'm to feeling that way at all today...and it stinks.

Losing Vs. Maintaining Weight

My home PC is still dead. The new one has not yet arrived, and neither has the power supply I ordered to replace the dead one in hopes of making a more methodical transfer of data from the old PC to the new PC when it arrives. In any event, I have written down everything I've eaten, but without all the custom nutritional info I have added in my PC version of FitDay, I don't have a hard number of my calories, fat, carbs, fiber, etc. I suspect (as I logged one of my days in the online version of FitDay just to get an idea) that my calorie intake has been between 1200 and 1400 daily. I usually still stick to 1200 and below. My weight is up about a lb. this week, as opposed to losing anything. And yes, I'm semi-freaking out about it. I have about 13 lbs. to get to MY goal. The reality that I may not get to my goal without having to significantly change what I'm doing now (exercise more, eat less) hit me this morning. And I'm trying to feel ok about that. I have a normal BMI, I'm within the normal weight range for my height. Realistically, I'm fine right where I am. But I am still grappling with disappointment and it sounds stupid, even to me, to be complaining about...but it's weighing on me, that I may not make MY goal for me. It is definitely a shift in thought patterns going from losing to maintaining. I have felt fat all week. I know that isn't reality, at least, logically I do. But I feel like I have this paunch of a belly and my leanness is in question. I still made it to the gym 3 times for cardio this week, and 2 times for weights. Yet I feel like somehow, I'm fatter and more out of shape. Therapy ought to be fun tomorrow night, huh?

Ok...A Positive

My buddies Martha and Kevin are on the cover of the Spring/Summer 2008 edition of "The Healthy Life," a publication from NSMC. Way to go Martha and Kevin!

Weight Loss Family Style is the name of the article. WOO HOO!

*&!^%ing Electronics!

My home PC has crapped the bed. The power supply (I think) went kaput this morning. Not a huge deal you say, right? Well, for me, it's causing me tremendous anxiety. Why? A few reasons. First and foremost, for the past 11 months I have logged my food intake and exercise every day. It has helped me feel in control of my own body and life with regards to my health and weight. Yes, when I get a new PC I will be able to access all of this data. But until then? I feel like I'm blind. I feel like I know nothing on my own without all my customized food values, exercise log, etc. And it's really truly pissing me off and causing me anxiety. Secondly, I work from home many an evening after Zachary has gone to bed. If I can't power up the PC, I can't log on to my work PC and do any work. That makes my flexibility here at work more limited. Thirdly, I have a part-time, home-based business that has all of my data (inventory, sales, etc.) on my PC. Fourthly, much of my person-to-person contact, if you can call it that, with other weight loss surgery folks in my program and on OH is through Yahoo! Messenger during non-work hours. No PC, can't do that either. I feel cut off from my support in some ways as well as my tools. I have many tools, only one of which was my surgery. I have others, like my ability to connect with other people, the tracking of my food and exercise for nutrition and fitness goals. Without free access to all of those tools, well, I'm feeling very out of sorts today.

The Mental Battle

These past couple of weeks, I am doing some kind of serious mental battle...and I have no idea what or why. I want to eat constantly. I never feel full. I have done just fine with not giving in to the urges...but I'm really feeling quite frustrated with where they are coming from. I figure there must be something emotionally going on with me that I am feeling this driven to eat, but all of my attempts to figure out what are fruitless. Do you think even with therapy, support, the tool, we are able to ever truly figure out all of our food issues and conquer them? I'm terrified that, at 11 months out, I'm going to start to fail. The only "basis" I have for this is past experience...and I know that circumstances, because of my surgery, have never before been what they are now. My success or failure is really entirely dependent upon me and utilizing my tool. I am doing this. But I just feel so anxious and scared. Is this normal for folks approaching a year out? Nearing maintenance?

I'm glad I will see Dr. B and Melinda/Mary Ellen next month for my one year follow up. And I'm really glad we have support group in another couple of weeks. I feel whacked in the head lately, and I honestly have no idea why. :(

Zachary in the Paper

I guess we're keeping it all in the family these days with the Salem News. I had therapy tonight and my therapist says to Zachary "I saw your picture in the paper." And I looked at her and said "WHAT?!?!?!" I had no idea. I found it online, and she dug through the recyclables and found the hard copy picture and is mailing it to me. How very cool and cute. There he is, sitting attentively with his buddy Griffin. :) Salem News