Forgiving Myself

I can't imagine I'm the only person out here who has a hard time forgiving herself for being human and occasionally hurting people (unintentionally of course). It's a little more than 2 months away from the 2nd anniversary of my mom's death. When she died, she and I were not in a very good place...and knowing how much she was hurting because I was having to really establish and stick to boundaries that were seriously lacking in our relationship for so long, well, it has really eaten at me on and off for the past two years.

I feel a great deal of compassion for where she was in her own life and journey, though it didn't change our interactions. I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on this, talking about it in therapy, etc.

I have a great deal of guilt lately because I've been thinking that honestly, I don't think I would be nearly as successful with my RNY if my mom were still alive. I am a much happier person because honestly, there isn't anyone in my life who really makes me feel like a crappy person, daughter, human being. And some of the conflicts with my mom definitely did that. I feel tremendous guilt in saying that. My therapist and I talked about it a lot last night and she said "there is a difference between laying blame and calling a spade a spade...and what you're doing is calling a spade a spade. Your mom was a huge help to you...but there was also a really huge price to pay personally for that help."

I worry that my mom's spirit is hurt knowing that I feel this way...because I know she did the best she could...but that doesn't excuse the stuff that went down. My therapist was basically saying that I need to remember that her soul is not Earthbound anymore, and as such, it's more evolved (hopefully) and if she is able to be in tune with the things I'm feeling and thinking, then she has done the soul work herself to be in a place to hear it with more wisdom than she could have ever had while she was here on earth. And that if she isn't hearing it because her soul hasn't evolved that much yet, then it's not hurting her anyway.

It's very difficult for me to miss her so profoundly, and yet also be grateful for the kind of personal growth I'm able to experience without her being in my life day to day. And I know that sounds awful...and I need to work on getting past that.

I believe we’re here on this Earth to learn and to love and to experience things so our souls can continue to evolve and be enriched. It gives me pause for thought to reconsider the reasons I did the things I did in my relationship with my mom. And I know I did what I needed to do...I just still have regret that it caused her pain sometimes. Self-forgiveness is going to be a biggie for me to work on.

Shame and Tears Remembered

Oh how I wish I was better at hiding my tears. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm frustrated, when I'm angry. And I don't do a very good job of holding them in. Sometimes, it's really embarrassing. Growing up in our family, if we cried because of things that were going on with us personally and not what was effecting our mom, we were selfish, self-absorbed, not thinking about anyone else (i.e., mom’s current crisis of the moment). My dad perpetuated those feelings by making everything about my mom's crises. There was one night that my mom was drinking...and she was a very depressed and angry drunk and would typically start in on how horrible of a mother she was. I loved her very much, and hated to hear her talk about herself that way. So I would start telling her, through my tears, that that was simply not true, she was a good mother. I remember my father sending me to my room. I went upstairs and laid on my bed and cried into my pillow. When my dad came up to see me a few minutes later, it wasn't to comfort or console me, it was to admonish me for crying and further upsetting my mother, because she didn't need any additional upset. There were no safe adults in my household. I was 10 at the time. I still feel so much shame when I cry in front of other people.

Sledding with My Son!

I know that it is part of my journey is to work on the issues I have with opening up to people. I just don't really know how or where to begin. I tend to trust the wrong people, and not open up with the right ones. And so, over time, I've learned that really no one is "safe" enough to be completely me around...there is no one I feel comfortable enough with to laugh with, cry with, be every part of me with...and I know it's hampering my progress.

On a happy note, I was thinking about things I couldn't do before weight loss surgery that I CAN do now that I’m excited about. It was going sledding with my son today! We rode down on the sled together. Even though I had the voice in my head telling me “people will think what the hell is she doing on that sled??? She’s too big!” I was able to remind myself that wasn’t rational and we had an absolute blast!

Crockpot Chili

Well, I made this chili the other day in the Crockpot. I made it with ground beef, but it could just as easily be made with ground turkey and be made on the stove and slow cooked. :) The nutritional stats are for beef...so you'd have to recalculate for turkey.

The servings are generous at about 1.5 cups per serving, which was a good sized bowl! This recipe made 6 servings.

1 lb. lean ground beef (93% lean)
2 large cloves of garlic, minced
1 packet Old El Paso Chili Seasoning Mix
1 (15.5 oz.) can red kidney beans, rinsed and drained
1 large (28 oz.) can diced tomatoes
2 large red peppers, diced
1 large onion, diced
2 jalapenos, seeds removed and minced
3/4 cup water

Brown and drain the ground beef with the minced garlic, seasoning with a little salt and pepper. Place all ingredients in the Crockpot, combine well, and cook on low all day (ours went from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m.). YUM! Served it with rice for my son and guest, low fat cheddar cheese (for me) and some plain Fage yogurt instead of sour cream. OH MY!

Nutritional stats per 1.5 cup serving:
297 calories, 12 g fat, 27 g carbs, 8 g fiber, 23 g protein

V's Secret

So let me share with you my experience of shopping at Victoria’s Secret in person. It was back in November, right after Thanksgiving, and I was feeling good about my body. Key word, WAS. I went in there and tried on some bras. NOTHING looked good. Nothing frilly and pretty looked good on me. Nothing plain and simple looked good on me. In VS sizes, my cup size was down to a C (in every other brand of bra I'm wearing a D cup still, though barely). I bought nothing because I felt so disgusted with how I looked. I felt like I had been kidding myself all along that I would ever look good in VS stuff again (yes, there was a time I looked good in it, many moons ago).

And so, it has taken me this long, almost 3 months, to be willing to try again. This time, it was with the intent of buying a bra that would be very supportive and uplifting of the girls...how it looked with clothes on top was all that mattered. I ordered online, knowing what size I should be. That is how I shopped this time. I used my own mirror at home to cast judgment on myself...and found myself much less harsh this time around than last. The fantasy of feeling sexy and pretty in the store is so not mine anymore.

Today, I'm wearing one of my new bras. You know what? My boobs DO look better in my clothing. They are higher, rounder and just look better. And I showed myself that yes, I was worth spending a little more on a better bra. It's ok to do that occasionally (money is tight, so expenditures on non-necessities, like really GOOD bras instead of average ones that simply do the basic job, usually get dismissed). Mission accomplished.

Calorie Intake Upped to 1200

It is just about 6 months out for me and I've been told my calorie intake can now be "up to" 1200. I was always under 1000 up until now.

And I realized at Christmas time that I was just wholly unsatisfied at most meals. I can (and have been able to for a while) eat 4 oz. of dense protein. It scares me how much I can eat now. I know I make good choices...but I eat pretty much like a normal person...makes me wonder if I screwed up somehow, that I've pushed it without realizing it. I mean, if I pushed it, would I have felt sick more often? Would I have puked more? Would I have felt grossly full? In my head I hear Melinda telling me "preserve the pouch, preserve the pouch" and I wonder if I've failed at that, and that is why I needed to up my calories and intake to feel satisfied. And I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but the truth is it is hard not to. When other folks who are further out than I am are eating less than I am and feeling stuffed, what did I do to myself?

If I'm like this at 7.5 months out, where will I be at 2 years out? 5 years out? I have never maintained a weight loss for more than a year...and it scares the absolutely bejeezus out of me that I could potentially fail even with surgical intervention. I'm not one who is prone to thinking negatively about this stuff...so I won't dwell on it. But the thoughts are definitely there.

Stirring the Pot

I had counseling/therapy last night, and we talked about how I'm feeling. And she said "well, right now you're stirring that old internal pot with putting yourself out there to date, being more visible. Issues are bound to come up." It scares me...I know I need to work through stuff. I've never maintained any kind of significant weight loss, and so this all scares me. Physically I feel ok, it's just mentally I feel like hiding

I am 39 years old...will be 40 in May. I have been in therapy (hold onto your hat) since I was 12. I started therapy then because I was anorexic. Food has been a huge coping mechanism for me with regards to intimacy and sexuality. I've lost weight many, many times...only to regain it. Consciously, I'm ok with the attention from men...in fact, I enjoy it. But it does something else to me inside. I think that I really struggle with feeling worthy of love and loveable just for who I am. And so, it's been much easier to have all this weight on me and say "well see, that's the reason." If I lose all the weight and yet am still alone, it's harder to look at myself and say "yeah, you're loveable and worthy" because here I am, thin, fit, healthy and yet still alone. I have no more excuse...it's just me that is not suited for a relationship. Does that make ANY sense at all? It's that ultimate fear that even if externally everything on me is perfect, the person I am inside is still crap and not deserving or worthy of someone loving me. And yes, I know how that sounds...and I'm really working on not feeling that way. It's definitely a struggle and battle.

Worries About Wrinkles

Right now, I'm feeling extremely self-conscious about my body. I think I almost felt better about it before this much fat was gone and the skin didn't wrinkle and sag as much. These days, I really don't much like the appearance of my body at all. I appreciate it for what it is, and what it does for me (keeps me alive...IS me alive)...but I don't like the looks of it at all…at least not without clothes.

147 lbs. Total of 107 lbs. lost since my initial consult with Dr. B.