Yummy Breakfast

Breakfast YUM! This morning, I had the best thing for breakfast and enjoyed my breakfast more than usual. I always make a point to pick foods that are good for me and that I enjoy...but today, well, today's breakfast combo just had my taste buds singing.

I thawed a VitaTops MultiGrain muffin top and then lightly toasted it. Topped it with about a teaspoon (probably a little less) of Olivio. Then, I took 1/4 cup of fat-free cottage cheese and mixed in some cinnamon and about half a teaspoon of Splenda granular. I used the cottage cheese as a cream cheese like topping. OMG...this was SOOOOOOO good.

Nutritional info: 167 calories, 4 g fat, 27 g carbs, 4 g fiber, 10 g protein

Medication Adjustment

I saw Melinda and Ellen today. Melinda and I talked about the pizza incident. Both are very pleased with how I'm doing. I have a couple of things to work on...mostly getting in enough fat daily (I struggle with getting in the minimum 25 g and Melinda said it is not optional, it's something that I must do), and getting in another serving of fruit along with some variety. I may try to go off the Inderal I take for migraine prevention because it seems to be keeping my heart rate on the low side (and as such, contributing to the fatigue I am feeling in my workouts). Other than that, I go back in 7 weeks after my 8 month labs. All is good.

Head Hunger

I don't know why this transpired, but it did. I'm guessing I let myself get too hungry, too tired, etc. Last night my son and I picked up a pizza and chicken kabob salad on the way home from his well-child visit (which was ridiculously late...it was 6:30 p.m. when we left the doc's office). Good news on that front...my little peanut (who just turned 7) weighed 40 lbs. (yes, that's up for him) and is 44.75 inches tall (up 1.75 inches in the past year). He's holding his own on his growth chart (5th percentile for weight, 10th for height) without medication to stimulate his appetite (yup, he had to take medicine for 5 years to stimulate his appetite so he'd eat enough to just grow, and this is my kid???).

Anyway...we stopped and picked up pizza (for him) and salad (for me). It was a small pizza, 12 inches in diameter. He ate 2 pieces and had some salad. I picked at the salad, but I really wanted pizza. So, I had one piece. It was ok...not great, but ok. Then I did something really stupid and had another piece. And stupider still, I had yet another. So 3 pieces of this small pizza...and I felt awful. Just truly awful and there was just no good reason (no emotion I could place or anything) as to why I was continuing to eat it. I felt bloated, my heart was pounding, and I got a bit sweaty and ridiculously fatigued. So bad in fact that at 8:30 I told my son we were going to bed because I didn't feel well. I felt nauseous but not so much so that I knew I'd puke. After laying down, and apparently conking out (more like passing out, think of having three drinks too many because that’s how I felt), my son was talking to me at one point...and I was very incoherent...felt like I do when I take my Ambien to help me sleep, but I hadn't. It was very, very disconcerting. I haven't really had any intestinal distress or anything...except for horrible gas and the nausea last night...but I am scratching my head today saying "what the heck was THAT???????"

So there it is...I really can only guess that I was much too hungry and tired last night by the time I got around to eating...that my head hunger took way the heck over. I think we're all bogged down with our insecurities sometimes. And it's a mental battle to dismiss them from our minds and do our best to enjoy the opportunities that arise for us without the anguish. I have to remind myself that I’m going to live life to the fullest, and take advantage of the opportunities before me, regardless of what I think the outcome may be, because I just never really know. Then I try to remind myself that it just ain't livin' unless you're feeling something...so all feelings are signs that I’m alive and experiencing life. It will be ok...truly it will.

Lioness

152 lbs. Wow.


Thoughts on how I’ve been courageous. In confronting serious demons of my past. Deciding to go ahead and be the best single mom I could be when my son's father left me pregnant for a 17 year old. For facing family members who have abused me, and dealing with them directly on those things. Choosing to have this surgery so that I could make my dreams of a better life a reality. When I was married and my ex-husband and I were in counseling together (up at his drug rehab program), I remember the counselor telling me during one of our sessions that I had the courage of a lioness for all that I had not just survived, but confronted and reconciled with in my life. I have never forgotten that, and I try to honor that opinion by not backing away from something just because it's scary. Life has lots of scary things.

Tough Going

Many years ago, I was pretty teeny...that was when my son's father and I met. When I gained even 15 lbs. he lost interest in me completely physically. Over the years as I have gained weight, occasionally it would cross my mind "I wonder just how disgusted he must be now by my size". It felt awful...and we weren't even together anymore. The stuff that has been crossing my mind lately…blech.

Confessions and Transgressions

Confessions. Holiday food transgressions. I got my act together this past Saturday and am feeling so much better.

My sins: Not working out more than 1 day a week since Thanksgiving. Bad, bad, bad. Eating too much of good choice foods between the week before Christmas and the end of last week. Eating cookies...many, many cookies.

I did track my food...I did take my vitamins...I did get most of my water in (not all on a couple of days)...but I know that overall, I wasn't doing what I needed to do at all. I spent a lot of time this past weekend doing some soul searching (and seeking of supportive guidance from some of the further out successful post-ops who are my lifeline) about where I was, what I was doing, and how to move forward.

First, cookies are a trigger food for me...there is no limiting myself with them...so they need to just be off limits. Second, because life was so hectic and busy, I had stopped cooking meals as I had been. As such, my meals were quick, fast stuff (cold cuts, cheese), pre-prepared stuff that is fine, but I get bored pretty quickly with the same things like that every day. I wasn't treating myself and my food with the love and respect that we both deserve...and that means preparing healthy, nutritious and appealing meals for me that have lots of flavor. So, this weekend I spent some time back in the kitchen...fixing things I love that take more time so that I am getting the soul nourishment from my food in addition to the nutritional nourishment I need.

I recognize these things are really key for me...and I'm moving forward. I also got my butt down to the gym today at lunch time. My goal is a minimum of 3 to 4 times per week in the gym...very doable.