Doubts..And Emotions Behind Eating

Being a new post-op, I have certainly had my moments of doubt about this surgery. I have failed so many times at diets...or rather, succeeded at the diet, failed at the long-term maintenance. I have been in therapy pretty much since I was 12 years old, when I was diagnosed as anorexic. I have worked (mentally/emotionally) on my food issues for many, many years. I have a lot of insight into the reasons I ate...but still not the ability to STOP myself from doing it.

One of the things that I think has been really important for me to recognize in myself in choosing RNY is that I needed the physical tool to help me STOP eating. I think that if the reasons we eat (emotional) go unchecked and unexamined, we run the risk of failing at this as well.

Another reason why this was the right choice for me is because I need and want to deal with my emotions and emotional reasons for eating. It is part of my process as a developing and evolving human being...I want to be better, not just physically but mentally...better able to live and cope with life. I think my tool is helping me learn how to do that because I can't hide behind food or fat anymore.

Kashi Go-Lean Crunch Blues

Oh lord...just let this pain go away. I've been severely nauseous before, had foamies, but never all out gotten sick...until now. Kashi Go-Lean Crunch. It must have completely swelled up in my tummy. It hurts. Whine whine whine, I shouldn't complain...I know others deal with this on a daily basis. I’m over 7 weeks out and this is my first time getting sick.

Sore Tummy, Fever....Constipation

It has been a very, very long night. I have been running a fever since yesterday afternoon...my stomach/pouch area has been hurting since Sunday (which I am hoping is due to constipation, the lesser of evils) Last night I felt so physically awful that I could only sit and cry, just wanting to make it to the morning to take my son to camp and then to my appointment with Dr. B. today. He was in surgery all day yesterday and so he never called me back. I'm so scared of something happening to me and not being able to take care of my son. I have been up since 4 a.m., unable to get comfortable in bed but the aches and tummy pain are too bad despite taking Tylenol. I just want to feel up to the task of taking care of my little boy pronto.

So the first thing Dr. B. said as he walked into the examining room was "I was supposed to call you back last night. What's going on?" I filled him in. He felt my belly, said that it felt pretty good considering I'm backed up. He said we can't even address fixing the fissures until the constipation issue is resolved otherwise they will just recur. He prescribed Enulose Syrup, a sugar that basically irritates the colon to get it moving along. He said it basically came before Miralax and I won't have to take as much of it to get the benefit. He said if the abdominal pain and fever aren't better in the next day or so that I’ll need to call him and he'll want to do blood work and possibly a CT scan. I'm waiting until I get home from work this evening to take the Enulose...I'd much rather be in my own home using my own bathroom if the runs are finally going to come.

I'm still running a temp and my body aches all over...but this too shall pass. He said some folks occasionally run a temp with constipation...that it would be unlikely to be any kind of post-op infection at 6 weeks out (which I agree with him on). If the constipation continues this severely, he said we'll stop the iron for a couple of weeks until I'm more regulated and try again.

Close Call While Eating

I am 5 weeks out today and have done very well compared to many. However, I still have my moments, like this entire weekend. I tend to wake up with a queasy tummy. I have found that I tolerate cottage cheese and canned fruit (peaches, pears) well and then my tummy is happier and doesn't get queasy for hours on end. That said, last night I still had an issue while I was eating my dinner. I had made sword fish kabobs with peppers and tomatoes. I was going along just fine (I chew really well, so well that most things don't require me to swallow, they just kind of dissolve eventually in my mouth), and then about 3 bites into the fish, I had that feeling like it was stuck...and my mouth started to water like it does just before I'm ready to vomit. Now, I have yet to vomit since I've had surgery...I'm deathly afraid of it...so I've learned to close my eyes, relax and breath as deeply as I can and visualize everything going down smoothly. So far that has worked for me. But last night was darn close.

One Month Post-op

One month post-op! I’ve lost about 15.5 lbs. in the past month. Not too bad. I had a week or two where I lost nothing, but I was prepared for that to happen and I knew I was doing everything I should be doing (drinking, having my CIB, etc.) so it wasn’t possible for me to not lose eventually. I have done really, really well. I’ve managed to get in my protein every day, and though not all of my fluids, most of them. I haven’t mourned food as some people say they do. I never really thought of anything as being off-limits for the rest of my life…just that it might be a while before I could have some things in moderate quantities. Nothing feels lost forever.

I'm now making the transition to "regular food" again nicely. It's good to eat, and good to feel restriction. It makes me feel so much more in control than the constant hunger I had before surgery. I went back to work far earlier than I wanted to (they called me on day 9 post-op, and I started working from home that day, and then back in the office on my two week surgiversary). I have done my best to keep up...and I think I’ve done darn well. Occasionally it catches up with me and well, I'm one person, doing a lot (raising my son, working full time, recovering from surgery)...and the one thing I can't afford to lose is my health...it's why I did this in the first place. So when it gets too much and I’m fatigued (which happens towards the end of the day), I head home early.

OK to Eat Solid Foods Again!

If I had any doubts about doing this surgery, I do not have them anymore. I had my Heart & Wellness appointment this morning (blood work done, met with the NUT and nurse) and I'm doing great as far as they are concerned. I got the go ahead to have regular soft solids! Now, I have had little to no issues in the liquid states (except occasionally some mild nausea) and so part of me wondered "did I really get what I hoped to out of this procedure, the restriction I needed/wanted?"

So with the go-ahead to have real food, I went to lunch with a coworker to a local Thai restaurant. I ordered the chicken green curry, asked them to hold the rice. I split the chicken into two portions right off the bat (figuring there was probably 3 to 4 ounces in the entire dish) and started on my lunch half. The first several bites went down great...and then I started to "feel" them...not really in a bad way, but in a way that reassured me and told me "yup, you have restriction, you are more limited in the quantities you can eat." And I was SO happy about this. I got through my half...the last bite I had was absolutely the last bite I could have and I had a few minutes of discomfort but I just breathed through them. In 5 minutes, the discomfort had passed and I had already given them my dish to wrap up the rest. I will have some veggies later for a snack as I didn't have room for them at lunch. It tasted SOOOOOO good!!!!

All that time on liquids was worth the wait for solids to know that my pouch has healed. And the taste of wonderful food again??? YUM!

Fears About Not Losing Weight

I have the fear that I won’t lose weight regularly. I do my best not to dwell on it and remind myself that if I eat as I should the majority of the time and exercise, I will be successful. I also try really hard to remind myself that my goal wasn't just weight loss but a healthier body and lifestyle. I never told myself I could never have certain foods again, just that it would be a while before I could have them and I would enjoy them in much more moderation than in the past. From what I hear, it’s pretty common for weight loss surgery patients to think they will be “the one” who doesn’t lose.